Thursday, July 18, 2013

Catching Up- July So Far

July seems to be flying by. I can't believe it is already the 18th. Keep it up time, keep it up!

I have had a lot of good days getting out with friends and enjoying our gorgeous summer. I also have dived into baby mode, which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do, or even want to do. I am surprised I have been able to do as much as I have and feeling pretty good about it. I never really designed the nursery much before. I had my deer theme with Liam and Evelynn, but didn't really make anything for the room, mainly just all store bought matching accessories for the nursery set I had. I think I mentioned before that I am now making the new nursery into a butterfly theme. New room, new theme, new baby, new start. Thanks to ideas from pinterest I think Max has got tons of fun things to look at. I'll try to post pictures when it's finished. I am also probably doing this a bit early but since I am feeling good about it, I did it now. I have gone through and washed all my baby clothes, diapers, blankets, and bedding already. I really didn't think I would be able to do any of this until after Max was here because I was so worried about getting everything ready only to have to pack it all away again. When I think about it though, it was close to this same point with my pregnancy with Evelynn that I truly started accepting the fact I was having a girl, and she needed girl things, and I started to get truly excited for her arrival.

I also got my first baby shower invite since Evelynn passed away. Now I did manage to go to two after Liam passed away. That was of course when I was 7-9 months pregnant with Evelynn, was feeling a little better in my grief, and these were good friends who had been there for me through that grief and my pregnancy with my daughter. Now this baby shower invite was for someone who I didn't even know, so I don't even know why I got invited, especially since anyone who knows me at all knows that I have major issues with pregnant people. Whatever. Guess what I am saying is that I did manage to go to those friends of mine with Evelynn, but I want nothing to do with anything baby/pregnancy related, unless its with my baby. Sound selfish? Sure, but I think I have the right to be.

I think so often about other people's pregnancies and their happiness. I have wrote many times about my jealousy of them and their seemingly perfect lives. Its true and I won't deny it that I have major jealousy issues, jealous of women who get pregnant easily and have perfect pregnancies, jealous of women who themselves have struggled for years to even get pregnant, jealous of all future pregnancy and baby talk, and even find myself getting crazy jealous of the women who have had losses but have since brought home their rainbows before me. It's ridiculous how much the jealousy can take control.

One of my good friends has offered numerous times already to have one for Max. Not really one with gifts and all that again, I have baby stuff, but more of one to celebrate this hopefully coming bundle of joy with all my friends that are excited for us. I can't do it. I can't even really put into words why, I hate that I can find the right words, but I just would prefer to wait and do any kind of celebrating until my boy is here. Then we can celebrate!

So will I ever mentally be able to attend any of my close friends baby showers ever again. Will it be different once Max is home? I have had a lot of friends and family get pregnant and have babies since we first got pregnant with Liam. Since most of these people have lived so far away it's been easy to avoid their happiness and for me to somewhat avoid the fact that I am so jealous of that. I have only had a few friends become pregnant here in Alaska. These friends, along with friends and family back home, and what seems like everyone else I see, all seem so happy and wouldn't think for a second that something could go wrong. I wonder about that sometimes. Not that I would expect all my friends, family, or others to come to me while they are pregnant or even just in the ttc phase, to tell me they are worried that the same thing that happened to me would happen to them. If they did that I would probably just get annoyed anyway, because well, all pregnancy talk, other than for mine actually, really bothers me, because you know, of course their pregnancy will be fine! So I wonder then, how can they all just be so happy, carefree, and so certain things will work out with their pregnancy knowing what happened with me. Honestly I am scared for all pregnancies. I know far too much about how babies die. I have a few really good close friends who are hoping to get pregnant in the next year. How can they talk about it so casually like its no big deal? Is it because the statistics of shit going bad are low and that they already had a friend go through it, twice, so the chances of it happening to them are even lower? Maybe it's just that they know just how precious life is and that they seen with me how easily it can get taken away, and so they will love and enjoy every minute of it in case it could be there last?

I don't know, but I have been definitely thinking about that so much lately. Then while writing this I went over to Brooke's blog to catch up with her and she wrote the most perfect post yesterday. It was all about other people's pregnancies. Even though I have not brought my healthy, living, rainbow baby home yet, it still seems so fitting, not to mention she always seems to find the write words to how I feel all too often about other people's pregnancies. Definitely give it a read.

My last blog post I wrote about the BLM get together that happened last month in Chicago. One of my fellow blm friends had some rainbow hats knitted for all the babies that came. I posted the same link as I did in the last post to another one of Brooke's blog posts that has some of those pics if you want to see them. Well, last Friday a package came in the mail and it was a little knitted rainbow hat for my little rainbow Max, just like they all had.
Thank you so much Sonja for the rainbow hat for my rainbow:)  
I also got some awesome shirts and onesies for Max!
Yeah! Max's rock came for the garden!


  1. How awesome that she sent you a hat for Max!!!! Can't wait to see a pic of him in it!

  2. That Sonja. She's so wonderful :) well, her and her mom.

    I can understand, to an extent, the jealousy. And totally empathize with you for why it must be even worse for you. You've been through so much. And we all hate that for you.


  3. It will get better with time. May not ever go away fully but it will ease. It took me forever not to feel hurt when someone announced yet another pregnancy and that it went through without any issues (and on top of that how they complained about discomfort and the children and such) We haven't lost any baby but just couldnt get pregnant at all, so it took lots of tries and ART and it just hurt so bad but I believe I became much stronger about my own life and never once complained about any discomfort or pain or labour or anything else because I know how blessed we were and that it may have never happened actually .... so yeah hang in there, it is what it is...

  4. So awesome that Sonja sent you a hat for Max :) Love his shirts and the stones in your garden.

  5. I would be one angry person if I lost two babies. I think about that plenty. Not just anger, but I would loathe hearing about pregnancies. I already borderline hate pregnancy talk, and to think of how you might feel is easy to assume the loathe.

    I'm hopeful that Max will be able to wear that beautiful hat. Man am I ever hopeful.

    I'm not sure pregnancy will ever be okay for you because of how tragic things have ended with Liam and Evelynn during pregnancy. It's all too unfair.

    Keep on going, time. Keep on going.


  6. I can't speak for anyone else but I worried about my baby my entire pregnancy knowing that so many things could happen. Your journey with Liam and Evelyn is always on my mind. To know that you did everything right for your babies and yet things still went wrong. I thought that once my baby arrived that that fear would go away but I still worry all the time. I just stare at him and pray that I do the right thing at the right time. I cherish every second I spend with him. I don't talk about my fears so it may appear to others that I don't have them. I can't imagine any parent who doesn't constantly worry for their child, right from pregnancy and on!

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