Seems Like Everybody's Expecting........Except Us

I don't recall if I have wrote or not about the fact that I have three friends that are pregnant right now, and a fourth that's in the process of joining them. The three that are already pregnant are all due within weeks to a couple months of one another, so pretty much all due between October and December.

When I found out my first friend was pregnant I took it really hard. Hard because she had just gotten married last summer, decided to start ttc shortly after the honeymoon a few months later, and got pregnant right away. It's still so frustrating to me when people can get pregnant on the first or even the second month of trying. And, of course, I still have major issues with pregnancy in general, along with the fear everyone will have a girl. This friend isn't going to find out the sex until the baby is born. I'm almost certain I will not be going to her baby shower.

Then I found out about the next friend being pregnant. This friend was pregnant at the same time as I was with Evelynn. Our babies due dates were within a few days of one another. I always new she wanted to get pregnant again sooner than later, but it's hard to deal with when I just finally started being able to be around her son and not get depressed that my daughter should be here and be the same age as him, also that she could get pregnant again, and lastly because I just finally got a baby here, home, and alive. Just two days ago she found out she was having a girl. I wanted to scream and smash something. Not fair. I want my boy and girl.

Then there is my third pregnant friend. She is one of my closest friends and has been there for me through both pregnancies, both losses, and helped us tremendously with fundraising for our gestational carrier pregnancy with Max. She thought for sure she'd have a hard time getting pregnant after seeing what we went through, but sure enough she was pregnant the first month. I'm happy she can talk to me about any concerns and ask pregnancy related questions. In a way it makes me feel good, useful, and that at least she doesn't think I am like this versus this horrible cursed pregnancy baby killer, that I often feel like I am. She also plans to find out the sex of her baby. I fear it'll be a girl as well. I also feel like I should be the one throwing a "it's a girl/boy!" party and do her baby shower, just as she did for me. I don't think I have it in me to go to a baby shower yet,  let alone throw one. I know she would understand, but she also deserves to enjoy all things pregnancy and baby related with the support of all her friends and family, including me, and not be concerned about how it'll affect me.

The fourth friend I guess we will wait and see if she ends up pregnant or not. She is doing it all on her own and commend her on that. She wants a girl sooo bad.

Having Max here and after multiple years of grieving, it's still hard. I was just starting to feel better about so many of my friends being pregnant, but them having girls is just too much for me. When I was pregnant with Liam,  everyone I knew pregnant seemed like they were having girls. When I was pregnant with Evelynn, everyone seemed like they were having boys. I just feel like this is going to be the season of girls, and I have no idea how I'll cope, whether it's just one or all of them. Girls or not, it's going to be hard. It's making me want to be pregnant again so badly.

Return to Zero

The Return to Zero movie premiered on Saturday, September 17th. The babyloss community knew of this film early on as we have all experienced it firsthand and were excited that a film was finally getting made in hopes to help break the silence surrounding stillbirth and infant loss. It is actually the producer and his wife's story of when they lost their son in the last weeks of pregnancy. I wasn't able to see it because I don't have cable, but hopefully I will be able to soon. Since I have not seen the movie I can't exactly give it a review. I have heard comments from both baby loss moms and from friends who have never experienced a loss that were able to see it. From the friends that have never experienced a loss, they all said it was so incredibly sad and just can never imagine. Which is pretty much what they all said to me after my losses. The target group for this film is of course the ones who have never lost a baby in hopes that they can get a better understanding of how painful it is to lose a baby, how life will never be the same, that we will always love those babies, and they will always be a part of our family. The reviews I have heard from a few baby loss moms have been both good and bad. One thing I have heard is that their wasn't enough crying and talk about just how important that baby was. I know everyone grieves differently, although I cried and screamed a lot, but I'll just have to see for myself when I get to see it.

One thing I loved that this movie did was to allow us baby loss moms to purchase a spot in the credits where our babies names would be listed. I love that everyone who watches this film had a chance to see the credits and see my babies names along with so many other loved and missed babies. I was so happy and surprised when I got a few different pictures from friends of the credits, who have not lost a child but watched the movie.

A Second Birthday

For so long it seemed I was stuck in a place where time stood still, but everyone else's lives seemed to be happily moving forward. I remember those final days leading up to the rupture and her birth and how excited I let myself get. I was finally going to have a baby at home......and then of course it was gone, again. Having Max here has not only made time not seem like it's standing still, but instead flying by. The worst part about it is that it still hurts so much, especially around this time of year when we should be celebrating a birthday, her second, with her here.

As usual I never seem to know what to do on these birthdays and anniversaries. I want to honor my babies but I still just can't get past the unfairness of it all. I tend to pout, and that's what I did all day until an unexpected surprise showed up. At about 3 in the afternoon on her birthday, April 22nd, the doorbell rang. There was a lady at the door with a birthday balloon and some flowers. The lady looked at me and said, "Evelynn Rasmussen," and the tears formed immediately. Somebody said her name!

It is now 2 and a half weeks since her second birthday and that balloon is still hanging around the house. It was floating around for a long time from room to room and now is just hanging out in the living room as it's lacking in air. I love seeing it and smile thinking of my girl.

I finally got her scrapbook out and am determined to get it done before the year is out. I wish sooner, but I am not going to push myself. Getting that out alone with all of her hospital pictures is progress in itself. I've still barely looked at them since we got them developed. I also still haven't gotten any of her NLMDTS pictures on the wall, but that I hope to get up by the end of the year too. We will see.

Love you forever baby girl.

6 Months Pics and a Family Visit to MN and ND

A month and a half late. but here are a few of his 6 month pics. How is time going so fast?

 

After the blm weekend in Vegas, Max and I stayed another 5 days and did some sightseeing while Dereck came down and went to a work conference. Max did so awesome! We drove and hiked all over together- to the Hoover Dam, Lake Mead Recreation Area, to Red Rock Canyon, to Valley of Fire State Park, and even spent some time walking up and down the strip. It was a great few days of mom and son time.

 

After we left Nevada we flew to Minnesota to visit with family. It was a busy week as we had a lot of people to visit and of course everyone wanted to see Max since they hadn't seen him since he was born. We were also able to visit with Jessica and her family, but only for a short time since we were all so busy, but we were happy to see them at all. We were able to get lots of pictures of Jessica and her family with Max. It's still so hard to believe that at this time last year she was still pregnant with him and now he is 7 months old.

 

The most important visit being back in ND was of course going to Liam and Evelynn's graves. It just so happened to be sibling day on the day we made it out there.

 

Visiting Evelynn and Liam on sibling day.

2014 BLM Rainbow Weekend in Vegas

Big things have been happening this past month. Some happy, some sad. Many posts to come!

The weekend of March 27th Max and I flew to Las Vegas and met up with 9 other blms and their rainbows. Last year I did not gather with these women since my rainbow Evelynn had passed away, and it would've been too hard for me to go without a baby. This year I had Max and I'm glad we were able to make it. 

I knew I wanted to go right away when the discussion of when and where this gathering was going to be, but I was incredibly nervous too. We all had rainbows, but their rainbows were all toddlers now that were around Evelynn's age. Max was by far the baby of the group. I thought it would be hard seeing all the little girls knowing my rainbow daughter didn't make it and also having a house full of toddlers running around seeing firsthand what I was missing out on. I'm not going to lie, the first few days I definitely felt a little left out. All the kids played together and the other moms got to talk about all things toddler. One little girl in particular  melted my heart as she became obsessed with "helping" Max with his pacifier and pushing him all over in his stroller.

By the last night though, all that anxiety and nervousness seemed to vanish, and I was finally able to breathe, share some of my thoughts, and listen to others talk about their babies. And other than for some nasty sickness that got a few of the mommas and babies, it was a great weekend. I can't wait for next year.

Anna, Camille, Addison, Hayes, Otis, Eliza, Bear, Elizabeth, and my Liam and Evelynn- you are all forever in our hearts and missed dearly.