Sunday, June 3, 2012

Back Home

We spent most of our time in North Dakota near Dereck's family and the cemetery. His family has been wonderful support and we also wanted to be able to go visit our babies daily. We went to there graves at least once a day, sometimes twice. I wanted to spend so much more time by there graves then we did though, but I had a hard time even being there. I could handle seeing Liam's grave and could think of him with love, but then I would look at Evelynn's and its like my brain just couldn't register that my daughter was now buried there. I would just stare at it. I was at the burial, I saw her placed there, I put pictures in her little name plate of her, and even spent time decorating her grave, but yet emotionally there was nothing. Maybe it was my brains way of protecting itself.

One day at the cemetery I even asked Dereck what we would do if this happened to us for a third time. Where we would bury another baby? It's his families burial plot, but there is only so much room. Not a beneficial thought but doesn't seem to far fetched since we already have two babies there.

My sister had been up in northern Minnesota for Memorial weekend and surprised me by saying her, her husband, and my nephews wanted to stop by the cemetery and see my babies graves. I was so thrilled to hear that. No one in my family has ever came to see where Liam is buried and I was certain that no one would ever come see Evelynn neither.
Me, my dogs, and my babies. Their graves for Memorial Day.
When it came time for us to leave and head back to MN and down toward the cities it all started to really sink in. How long will it be until the next time I get to see my babies graves? I hardly spent much time by them and now we are leaving. Is it going to be like it was after we buried Liam? Is the next time I make it back there going to be when I am burying another baby? The plan is to use a gestational carrier for the next baby so most likely we will be back this coming fall/winter so we can do the egg retrieval and embryo transfer stuff, but what about after that. I really don't want to be trying to imagine what it would be like to lose and bury another baby so I just need to blocks all thoughts of that, but they just keep trying to sneak there way in.

I also cried over the thought of not being pregnant again. I'll probably be writing about this a lot because it is eating away at me. I know getting a GC is the best, safest, way to go for both me and our future babies, but I just can't let it go. I want to be pregnant again so bad. I want to carry my own baby. I want the delivery and outcome I always wanted. I want, I want, I want!  I talked to Dereck about maybe doing the GC carrier thing now and maybe in 5 years if I still can't get the thought of not carrying another baby out of my head we can try again, because surely in 5 years my uterus would be healed enough, right? Dereck was completely against that idea and I understand his reasoning why. It made me bawl my eyes out, but I get it. If there is a chance we are going to eventually try again then it really isn't fair to have a carrier do this for us when she could be doing this for a couple that doesn't have the option of getting pregnant on there own at all. Plus, if we get one or two babies out of using a surrogate then why would I want to risk my life and that babies life getting pregnant again when I would already have a baby(s) at home that need there mom. There might even be a chance if we have extra embryos and can afford to get a surrogate again that we could have more children that are biologically ours a couple years down the road.

I have expressed my feelings about this with the uterine rupture group. They understand as many of them were also advised to never use there uterus's again. Some have went onto have pregnancies after ruptures(PAR) and have had no issues, while others have had repeat ruptures. Some never even got the option to get pregnant again at all because they had hysterectomies after there ruptures. Some of them lost there babies, while others survived. Some have told me I have a uterus and so I still have that option and should not rule it out. I hate to put off going the surrogacy route and try to get pregnant first because what if I rupture again, lose that baby, and also need a hysterectomy, then having my own biological children is out. I have met someone in the group who has done surrogacy and then a year after that found themselves pregnant. They were told to terminate, but didn't. In the end the baby was fine, born alive and healthy. I have also met someone who has had 2 losses like me and also advised to never use there uterus again. She never did and went on to adopt a couple of babies. I feel whether I do surrogacy or if we decide to one day adopt I will always have this part of me that will wonder what if, what if we did try again. I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with this unless I try, no matter how risky it may be. I hope one day I'll be able to make some peace with it all.

Okay, veered a little off of where I was going with this post.

We stayed with one of Derecks sisters who lived just outside of Minneapolis a couple nights before we left to go home. We had a consult the next morning in the area at one of the reproductive clinics to talk about doing IVF with a GC. (more to come on that, I promise). She has a couple of little boys. They are a little older which tends not to bother me emotionally too much since neither Liam nor Evelynn would be there age. What did end up making me sad, which I was surprised that it affected me in such a way, was watching her help one of her sons with his spelling. I couldn't stop thinking about the day when I might finally have a chance to help one of my children with his/her homework. I would love that, I hope I get the chance.

The next evening while sitting at there house before dinner I realized that his sister had pictures up of all the cousins. I saw Liam's picture and then I saw Evelynn's, that made my heart melt. How happy that made me to see that they made it in a picture frame and on a shelf next to all the other kids for everyone to see. My babies pictures not being out for others to see has always been something hard for me to deal with. My family does not have pictures sitting out of my babies for others to see. My heart hurts enough knowing that I will never get pictures of them growing up but then to feel that because they died there pictures aren't good enough to get displayed out by their cousins pics for people to see.

We found out during this trip that this sister is also pregnant. It was hard hearing that she is pregnant. My sister is also pregnant. They both have two boys already and will both have there babies this year. I know they both want girls but I am so hoping that they both have another boy. It'll still be hard knowing that they both have another baby while I still sit here waiting for that chance to bring one home, but if a girl is born I'll be even more heartbroken. I don't know how I'll ever be able to look at them. It's hard enough to see everyone else around me having babies as we speak, but I can't bare to see a baby girl knowing that my baby girl, there cousin, should be here too. Plus, I already feel like my babies are forgotten and everyone loves new babies and loves to share pics and talk about them. No one wants to talk about the dead baby.

The flight home was oh so familiar. Of course there had to be a baby in the seat in front of us, a baby girl at that. Her parents held her up, she was looking at us, and smiling so cutely in our faces. The rest of our flight they had her in there lap listening to something making baby tunes. Even through my ear phones I couldn't drowned the sound of it out.

As I said in my previous post we arrived back home a couple of nights ago after being gone for three weeks. It was nice to be able to spend our days doing more less whatever we wanted, but it was definitely time to go home. I wasn't necessarily ready to begin or even wanted to start this next stage of our lives, but I knew that we had to, and for that to happen we needed to go home.

Coming home to the piles of mail filled with medical bills and sympathy cards. We did get Evelynn's birth certificate in the mail though, just wish it didn't have to be followed by a death certificate. I have also started organizing all of our stuff from the last 3 weeks in MN/ND and everything from before we left after Evelynn passed. Once again I am putting away items related to loss. My house is filled with way too many baby loss mementos. I love having so many things that remind me of my babies, but it really is too much. I am ready for the baby already.

So many things that need to be done and other things that I want or need to do. Need to stay busy because as soon as I stop doing something the grief finds its way in. I swear I am going to drive my husband crazy by being overly clingy, that's why I need projects. I also just hate being alone right now, but that's no different than last time. I don't have anything exciting to say but don't want to be alone either. I am not set to go back to work until the beginning of August. That is what I had set up if I had wanted to go back to work after Evelynn was born, but most likely I wouldn't have gone back at all and stayed home with her. I had been thinking about going back to work after the 4th of July but I am now thinking I may need to go back sooner. After Liam passed I went back at 6 weeks after my Dr. cleared me and thinking that might not be a bad idea again. It's going to suck, just like it did last year, but I might as well be getting paid.

Everything just seems too "normal" but also a weird familiar/different to it all. Not the normal prior to 2011, but that new normal that was my life after Liam passed away. It's all just the same but in a more messed up and complicated way.


  1. My family doesn't have pictures of Hayes out either, so I feel your pain on that one. Gosh, I can't believe about y'all's sisters being pregnant--so sorry. I know that must be incredibly hard. And two graves--unimaginable pain. My heart goes out to you Becky. Sending love.

  2. I'm sorry that you guys are so far away from their graves. I'm sorry that they're in there more than anything...

    I think it's great that his sister has Liam and Evelynn's pics out. My family has Lily but my hubby's family wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.

    I meant to answer on your post in the group but my answer is such a double edge sword. I did carry Cooper but had him very early and had a hysterectomy the same day. I have him though and he's happy and (overall) healthy so I'd do it again...

  3. I love that his sister had pictures up of your babies. They absolutely should be included. I'm so sorry that some close family members are pregnant - it's hard enough with strangers, but tough when it's just all around.

    I hope you are able to go back and visit your babies again soon, and wishing for continued peace during this unfathomably difficult time.

  4. i'm thinking of you guys, and keeping you so close to my heart. i'm so sorry you guys are doing all of this again for precious Evelynn. loving and mourning your babies with you. ((hugs))

  5. Sending a huge virtual hug to you Becky. Also wishing I could just sit with you so you wouldn't have to be alone because being alone was one of the hardest parts of post-baby loss life.

    It's so nice that your sister-in-law had pictures of Liam and Evelyn up with the other cousins. She sounds like a great person. I'm hoping time flies for you until your GC carrier situation is all settled and she is pregnant and your child is born and gets to come home with his/her mom and dad. I'm praying all that time for you guys. Honestly, I don't often merge my online BLM support life with my day to day life but I stop and think of Evelyn often and still cannot believe how things played out.

    I cannot imagine the difficulty of making the decision to get pregnant again or not. Even for me, getting a vertical incision makes me nervous about pregnancy again but I know that is nothing compared to actually having a rupture and wondering whether to try again or not. I hope the perfect answer comes to you but in the meantime, I think you are wise to consider using a GC first and then after 5 or so years consider getting pregnant. My OB told me that longer you wait, the better healed your uterus will be, which I know you already know.

  6. I'm still just so sorry this is real. It's like a really, really awful dream. Wishing your beautiful children were with you and you were helping them on their homework in a few years.

  7. I'm glad that Derek's sister had pictures of your sweet babies up with the rest of their cousins, they should be hung with pride, you have two beautiful beautiful children! I so wish they were home with you!
    Praying you have success soon with a GC, not to replace Liam or Evelynn, but to give you the chance to parent a baby here on earth.... I know you are already an amazing Mother!!
    Thinking of you always

  8. My husband's family has also been our support system, they have carried us through and keep Jack's pic out everywhere. My mother in law even makes a place for his urn at the table during special occassions. My family well I dont talk to them anymore so I think that says it all ( except my sister who has also been amazing and supportive- even being so far away) I wish you peace and comfort and I wish so much I could take the pain away. Thinking of you xo

  9. I wish I had a picture of Thea to show everyone and maybe give to everyone. :(

    Praying for you.


  10. It must be so hard to be far away from where your precious little ones are buried... and to see them side-by-side. My heart goes out to you always and think of you often xoxo

  11. I remember reading one time on a babyloss blog this: "birth matters...until it doesn't". Basically the woman was speaking about C-section vs. vaginal delivery and how everyone has their wishes and wants and opinions...until the baby is in trouble and then 'who cares!!?' The fact remains that in the end it will cease to matter how your children enter the world, as long as they enter alive.

    I remember getting similar advice last fall when Kaia wouldn't breastfeed. As much as I wanted that experience so badly, it's really a drop in the bucket when it comes to the lifetime that is parenting. I still feel a little wistful when I think I might never get the chance to breastfeed ever, but parenting Kaia has become so much more than how she gets her milk, and that's a good thing.

    Basically what I'm trying to say is, as much as it might be hard to fathom never being pregnant again, I think if you choose to go the GC route, you'll find that as soon as that kicking screaming kid is placed in your arms, it's not going to matter how he or she got there. The parenting journey will begin and the absence of a personal pregnancy journey will probably still sting, but you'll be wrapped up in parenting a live child, rather than mourning where he or she didn't emerge from. At least I hope it's that way for you (and sooner rather than later!!)

    I feel a little bit the way you do regarding my own ability to have another baby. "What if I don't try again...I'll never know if it could have been wonderful? (because the first two times were shitty in the extreme)" It's a tantalizing thought, but one with so many unknowns. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to take that chance.

    I hope you can sort all of this out to your own satisfaction. Just know you don't have to have the answers today. They will come in time.

    Wishing you love and peace from Canada.

    1. thank you for this Emily. It's true what you say about "birth matters...until it doesn't". I need to keep that in mind because having a healthy living take home baby in my arms is the only thing that truly matters in the end.

  12. Praying for you in this sad time. {{Liam}} {{Evelynn}}

  13. I am so glad that your sister in law has pictures of your babies out with the rest of the cousins. I wish it were that way in all families as our babies who are no longer with us should be included and will always be a part of our families.

    I agree with what Emily said about "birth matters...until it doesn't". I hope that you can find peace on your journey to a GC soon.

    Sending peace and love.

  14. Oh much love to you, dear friend. I wish beyond words that I could give you a big hug. You are always on my mind. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish your sweet Liam and Evelynn were here with you. I am glad Dereck's family has pictures of your babies out. I hope that you can find some hope again. PS. If you are ever back in Minneapolis, let me know. I am only an hour and a half from there. I would find a way that we could meet! Lots of love and many, many hugs.


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