Yesterday I would say was the worst day I have had so far. Even the night before I could tell the grief was slowly building up and was expecting a really bad day was coming. Dereck had to take a test all day for his job and so I was alone for the first time since Evelynn passed. I tried cleaning, but that was short lived as my mind wouldn't stop thinking about the what should've beens. I did manage to get that post out yesterday, but then just needed to get away from the computer. I went for a walk with a friend for about 45 minutes which was nice. I had wanted to go to Costco after but the fear of going anywhere alone where there were lots of people terrified me, so I had to go back home. Even the radio in the car ride home was driving me crazy and I had to drive in silence, which really wasn't much better. I ate, I pumped, and I tried to watch tv, but my mind just wouldn't stop. It sucks when the one thing that is making you feel crazy is the one thing that you can't get away from.
I decided at around 2:00 I would head to Walmart and try to get a few things I had wanted to get before I needed to go pick Dereck up. I really hate Walmart and questioning why I thought that I could actually go there and not end up bawling. First off the things I wanted to get were a bottle/nipple brush to clean my pump stuff with-of course I have to go to the baby section to get that, and then I wanted to get some little hangers to hang up Evelynn's clothes. So I was kind of setting myself up for sadness. It took me forever to get checked out since the lady checking out ahead of me decided to be a really big witch and was making a scene about how stupid she thought the cashier was. By the time I made it the car I was bawling and it did not stop for over an hour. I tried cooking dinner and the tears just kept on coming. I hate that feeling. I know its good to cry and get it out, but damn does it hurt to feel that way. That feeling like you have no control.
The same friend came over that evening and we went for another walk. Finally then I started to calm down a little. Once she left I started to work on the one project I have been meaning to get done. I needed those little hangers because I really wanted to hang up all of Evelynn's clothes. It was all washed and in bins because the nursery was still ripped up from the water damage we had. I didn't want to leave her clothes in them so that they would just get even more wrinkled so I hung all of her t-shirts and dresses up and laid all of her pants out in the dresser unfolded. I love her clothes, after all I picked them all out for her. I also went on to finish cleaning up the rest of the nursery putting away all the diapers, wipes, toys, blankets, and other baby supplies I had out ready to use. I also went through all the stuff we brought home from the hospital and put it all in its own bin. We have the pink blanket she was wrapped in and also the sleeper she wore the last day in the hospital in a plastic bag to keep it smelling as it did.
In her and Liam's room I also couldn't stop thinking about how just a few months ago I was saying how I didn't care that we had water damage and the nursery was ripped up. The only that mattered was that baby girl was alive and healthy. Fuck:(
I woke up feeling better today. I guess I was just due for a horribly bad day. I was able to even sleep in today, all the crying must have really tired me out. I went into my work today and talked to my boss about coming back. I really wish I didn't have to, it obviously wasn't in the "plan", but I needed to, especially if Dereck was going back to work. I am going to be off for one more week. I made it through it last year and then I was back in 6 weeks, it'll now be over 8 weeks. I am just so nervous and anxious about going through this all again and seeing patients that might have just assumed I was out on pregnancy leave.
I dropped off 144 ounces of milk today for the milk donation program I am in. I have now donated over 500 ounces since I started donating on May 9th. I am able to pump about a gallon a week. It's definitely frustrating at times but it really does make me feel good that all of Evelynn's milk is going to help other babies. My goal is to be able to donate at least 12-15 gallons before I have to quit and start my hormones for the egg retrieval/IVF stuff.
Went back to grief group tonight. It really sucks to be here again when I had told everyone before Evelynn was born how it would be awhile before they saw us again, and there we were. I also feel like if anyone there were to say they were pregnant I could no longer go. I couldn't handle it and would be of no support anyways. It isn't fair to them because they were all there for me through mine.
Oh hun.... I'm so sorry to hear about your day yesterday. Every moment must be so hard without your precious babies with you... I truly feel for you and wish that there was something that I could do and feel so far away. You are doing such an amazing thing donating milk... so generous and a testament to how compassionate a person you are. Love to you always my dear blog friend xoxoReplyDelete
I'm sorry you had a rough day :( The above commenter is right, though...you are such a compassionate person being able to donate Evelynn's milk. I know it's got to be a tough, bittersweet thing to do, but it's so amazing of you. I hope today is gentle on you <3ReplyDelete
thinking of you and your amazing children. keeping you so close to my heart.ReplyDelete
I think you're incredible for donating your milk. Evelynn's milk. It makes me want to cry, just thinking about it. What an amazing woman and mother you are.ReplyDelete
I think of you and your beautiful babies every day and wish I could end this nightmare for you.
I am still in such disbelief that you are being drug down this horrible path of grief again. I'm just so sorry and wish things were different for you. Sending love.ReplyDelete
Congratulations on the amazing amount of milk you've donated so far. It's a wonderful, selfless thing you're doing, and I know it must feel so sad and just the opposite of what you wanted - but please, be incredibly proud of yourself for doing it. I don't know you, but I'M incredibly proud of you. It's not your job to make anyone feel inspired or hopeful, and it might not be what you want to hear.. But you've given me faith in my own strength and courage to look forward. I'm so sorry you had a such a tough day. It must have taken so much courage to go and buy hangers for Evelynn's clothes, but what a wonderful thing to do for your daughter. I imagine her and Liam to be watching over you, beaming with pride and admiration at their beautiful Mama.ReplyDelete
Sending you the biggest of hugs.. xxx
I am so amazed that you have donated 500 ounces of milk. That is incredible and so compassionate. I am sorry you had to go to the baby section, it's a difficult place to go, especially all alone. It also SUCKS beyond words about the grief group thing. While I'm glad you have the group to help and support you, I hate the circumstances that bring you to the group again. Hoping today is a better day.ReplyDelete
One day at a time, I am glad you are keeping busy. I think about you all the time and hope your days will be better.xoReplyDelete
Oh Becky, what you're doing, donating Evelynn's milk is so amazing. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother to your babies. I hate that this is your reality when there are so many unfit mothers out there.ReplyDelete
I'm just so sorry.
Thinking about you and Liam and Evelynn every day. xx
Wishing there were something I could say to help take some of the pain away! I'm so sorry that yesterday was a harder day!ReplyDelete
I'm still thinking of you and your sweet babies!
Praying for you and asking your heavenly babies to watch over their mama. So heartbroken for you.ReplyDelete