Tuesday, May 3, 2011

4 Months and I'm Just Trying To Imagine......

What is it like to be 7, 8, and 9 months pregnant? 
What is it like to give birth and to hear those beautiful first cries?
I have absolutely no idea, but I would like the chance to find out.
For now I just get to try an imagine
People have said to me that they can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child.
I am just trying to imagine what it would be like to have a living one.
Too have the chance to love a living child that I can hold in my arms and to be able to kiss goodnight.
I am just trying to imagine, what does that even feel like?
Don't tell me how difficult it is to be a parent and what a pain they can be.
Try being a parent to a baby in heaven.
Trying to find ways to love, honor, and remember isn't exactly easy.
What would it be like?
I am trying to imagine....but for now I only know what I know

My sweet Liam,
Today marks four months. Can it really be that you have been gone for a quarter of the year already? I keep thinking about where we would be had you lived, it's hard not to think about. I feel that I have moved on from the both the anger and blame stages of my grief, but also wouldn't say I have fully accepted that you are no longer here, although what other choice do I have. Mommy just misses you so much sweetheart.
This past week I have been incredibly tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep to ever feel fully awake or energized. I have barely got out this past week besides work and have hardly done anything with friends either, I just have been so tired. Your dad and I joined a softball team, hopefully this will be good for us, and it also forces us to get out since we can't let the team down.
I have also been having crazy potato cravings. It makes me think even more about when I was pregnant with you. I was never much of a potato or salt eater, but when I got pregnant that's the only thing I wanted-potatoes, french fries, and chips. Between being so tired and these cravings I'd swear I was pregnant again, it all just makes me think about you more.
The first big holiday, Easter, has passed and now Mothers Day is coming up, followed by your burial a week later. I am not sure what we are going to do on Mothers Day yet, but I want it to be special, after all I am a mother now. I am just happy dad will be home with me on that day. I have been trying to work on some stuff for your burial to make it as special as possible. Although that week will have much sadness, I am happy knowing I'll get to be closer to you for a few days.
I love you and miss you so much Liam,
Love, Mom


  1. Becky, I am thinking of you on this day. I am so sorry Liam is not here with you. I know you are honoring Liam in the best way you can and he knows that you love him. Hugs, Shelly

  2. Thinking of you and missing Liam with you today ((hugs))

  3. Beautiful letter to your son. The 3rd day of the month will always be a hard one for me as well, but I'll remember with you~

  4. I imagine what those same things must be like.

  5. What a beautiful letter to Liam. Thinking about you always, especially during this Mother's Day weekend. *hugs*

  6. Thinking of you and Liam. Every month is such a terrible reminder of what we've lost! I hope that the coming weeks are gentle on you. I'll be thinking of you the whole time!


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