Friday, August 26, 2011

Could It Be?

Why yes it is. Someone else out there has experienced the exact same horseshit luck as me. I never thought I would ever see the day, and as much as I would've liked to have had someone to speak to about our similar losses right after my son died, it was in a way nice knowing that death in fetal surgery was not a common thing. If anyone remembers many months back I wrote about how I was searching like crazy to find someone who had a story like mine and kept coming up empty handed? Well, that person has found me. As much as I want to say I am happy about this, because as much as I feel I am finally not alone in this Spina Bifida fetal surgery babyloss world anymore, I hate knowing that someone else out there is struggling to get through life after losing there baby in fetal surgery also.

Now the problem is that this person left me a comment on Liam's story and asked if I ever wanted to chat or email back. I would love to chat more with you about the surgery and our losses, but you did not leave me an email address to reply to. If you are reading this please message me again with your email address. I would really like to talk with you and so happy that you found my blog.

Other thoughts at the moment:

-Derecks brother posted a couple of pics on Facebook yesterday from when they were very young. I'd say Dereck was maybe 2, not sure. Anyway, Liam looks so much like him its crazy.
Which by the way thank you everyone for all sweet comments about Liam from the last post.

-Facebook friend I mentioned from the other day still has not had her baby. She has got to be like a week overdue by now. It's killing me, just have your baby already. I read comments on her page that say she is getting induced today so maybe she will get to meet her little lady later today.

-I hate knowing that I should be celebrating with my friends in Michigan right now. Two great friends getting married and I am not there. I feel like such a shitty friend. These friends have been there through so much with us and Liam in the past year and I am not there for there special day. Geez, I am a horrible friend. Seriously though, 31 days this month and my ovulation has to fall on there wedding. I have such crappy luck. Well actually I guess I can't say too crappy of luck because Dereck was able to get this week off so he would be here for my ovulation and I guess I should be happy I am even ovulating this month so we can actually try. I still want to cry about it though. I almost considered just bailing on the ttc this month just because I know that if I don't end up pregnant this month I will be so angry with my body because not only did I not get pregnant I missed two of my best friends wedding. If I could have ovulated just one or two days sooner everything would have worked out just fine, but no, not my body. It has to wait until the last minute right before Dereck has to get on a plane for work and I should be well on a plane also, to a wedding.

beach at the hotel, looks fabulous, don't it?
-There is a good chance I might be going to Reno now. A few members of Derecks family are going and since I can't make the wedding and love these relatives, I might as well go meet up with them. I also could really use some sun and relaxation right now. Who knows, maybe lounging at the hotel pool, which by the way has a sand beach, so excited, will relax me enough that when I come home and take my pregnancy test I'll be able to handle the result better, no matter what it is. It better be positive though.

-Too add to the fact that I might be going to Reno, and there's a pool with a beach, I will be wearing a swimsuit. Went shopping yesterday and left just disgusted with my body. For the most part I have my stomach back, other than of course for that little pooch I have now along with a c-section scar across my lower abdomen. I don't want to sound like I am hating that bad on the scar and pooch because after all I electively chose to have this surgery and c-sections for life and it is a huge part of my son's story and short life, but also such a sad painful part.
Also though, I am just hating on my butt and legs right now. I lost the weight I had gained when pregnant and don't really need to lose more but just want to get a little more toned. The best thing to tone my legs and butt though are running and that is the one thing my dr. does not want me to do very much of. You see when I was first trying to get pregnant with Liam my dr. blamed a lot of my ovulation and period issues on having too low of a BMI, which made me pretty upset because I knew many people that were athletes that had gotten pregnant no problem, and I am not on any level an athlete. I do however try to keep myself in pretty good shape, but now I have just been too afraid to do too much physical activity for fear my dr. was right. I was actually worried that the backpacking and extra hiking last month was the cause of my lack of ovulation, but my dr. keeps telling me that stuff is fine. So who knows, but I feel like whining about it anyway and its my blog, so I can.
Afterall I should be in great shape from all the jogging I should be doing while I push Liam in his Chariot, right?

-And now the start of the 2 week wait begins.

Okay update: She had her baby and now I am in tears. How can you be so happy for someone yet so sad, mad, angry, and depressed all at the exact same time. It just isn't fair!


  1. "Horseshit luck" made me smile. Email me whenever you're ready at Tatiana [dot] Travis [at] gmail [dot] com. I discovered your blog through the SB community on (thank you, Colleen!).


  2. Hoping this month is the month for you!

  3. I'm sad that there are two people that have had to go through your situation, but I'm glad that you two have found each other!

    I'm sorry you have to miss those weddings. Hopefully, it'll pay off for you guys with a big positive at the end of the month!! :)

    Thinking about you and keeping my fingers crossed for you!!

  4. Keeping my fingers crossed for you too, I am always hoping and as always I was let down this month yet again. I understand the need to find someone who was in a very similar situation. I search for someone too that went through a similar experience and has no other children.


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