Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Evelynn- A Year Gone By

In my recent post I talked about being rather emotional during the month of April. It was that way up until the few days before Evelynn's birthday and pretty much everyday since. It's like that Saturday came, her birthday being on that following Monday, and I just became emotionless. I also still had no real desire to do anything for her birthday. When I would think about it I would just get angry about how she should be here. Then the blame game would start where I would think about how I feel the Dr.s and triage all screwed me and Evelynn would be here if they weren't so stingy on wanting to wait until 37 weeks to deliver her. I actually haven't been sleeping very well because that very thought has been haunting me many nights recently.

So her birthday came and I went to work and forced myself to get through the day. I did my job and kept to myself. I went for a walk that night with a friend and that was all. Tuesday Dereck and I pretty much got ready for Hawaii and did some errands and stuff around the house. I then went to work again on Wednesday, and left for Hawaii when I got off. So we spent the rest of her passing day on an airplane. I feel like I should've done more for her on her special days, but like I said, the more I thought about, the angrier I got. So I just didn't think about much of anything, except for getting to some sunshine.

In the weeks leading up to her birthday though I worked very hard on redoing the basket from her funeral and the wreath from her burial. I am still working on trying to find a place to hang them in my house. I became obsessed working on them. At one point I went to Michaels or Joann's everyday for about a week or two straight, for about 2 hours at a time, just staring at fake flowers, trying to find the right ones for her. I went a little overboard with it, like serious OCD, and just forced myself to finish them before I drove myself nuts, even if they weren't as exact or as perfect as I wanted. I love the basket best, the wreath is a bit much and doesn't quite look as much like the original as I wanted, but they are done.....for now.
funeral basket
burial wreath

A friend of mine, who I met through grief group, created a nonprofit organization called Owen's Milk Money after she lost her son at 8 months old. I think I have mentioned her before and how she and the Nursing Boutique helped me get started with my pumping after Evelynn passed. She does numerous fundraisers every year to help raise money for the boutique so that mothers that need help with breastfeeding and pumping, but can't afford some of the products, can do so. This recent event was part of a First Friday event here in Anchorage. First Fridays are where locals artists share their work and people can buy it if they want. She has done this event the last couple of years, but the art work she displays isn't for sale, instead it is to raise awareness about breastfeeding. She had asked me to donate some sort of picture of my time pumping for Evelynn. The Breastfeeding Mommies of Alaska also helped get a silent auction going for her event, so I put together a gift basket for that. I have to say I got pretty good at assembling gift baskets after our fundraiser, and glad now that I could give back to her and others that helped me, both after we lost Evelynn and helping us raise money for our carrier stuff. So this is what Dereck and I came up with and got finished before we went to Hawaii.

Not sure if you can read the sign or not about how much I donated. I don't think I ever published a post about how much I did in the end. I'll get on that.
In Loving Memory of Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen- 4/22/12-4/24/12

Also, a big thank you to everyone who sent me messages, called me, visited me, brought me flowers, coffee, cards, and so forth for Evelynn's birthday. I love that so many thought of her and miss her like I do.

Dereck sister is so AWESOME! She had a first birthday party with her kids for Evelynn's birthday! Love her for always remembering my babies!

from Gale at http://fittsiesangelbabybirthdayballoons.blogspot.com/

From Shauna at http://pinwheelsfromheaven.blogspot.com/2013/04/evelynns-angel-birthday-april-22.html
For Liam and Evelynn, I've always loved this quote, but this is sooo cute!


  1. Very beautiful memorial things... for a beautiful girl.

  2. Beautiful.

    You are such a wonderful mother Becky, you really are. And to donate all that milk is incredible.


  3. That's an amazing amount of milk. You did good. ;-)

  4. My heart hurts so bad for you :( Life is so so unfair sometimes...I have an enormous amount of respect for you...donating all that milk! it was an extremely selfless act, and doing that when you were most surely grieving..you are AMAZING! You are an awesome MOMMY!

  5. over 16 gallons?! that's damn good mama, damn good.

  6. I can tell you put so much effort and love into those flower arrangements. They look beautiful. I've been thinking about you and Evelynn a lot all through April. I hope you were able to get some sunshine and relaxation in Hawaii and that your trip went well.

  7. You are an amazing mother and person, Becky. I think of you all the time, and i'm always remembering your darling children, Liam and Evelynn.

  8. Amazing Becky, just amazing. I know it's no consolation for losing 2 sweet babies, but what an amazing thing you did in honor of Evelynn. 16 gallons?! Good for you momma! All 3 of your children are lucky to have you.

  9. Your such a loving mother and you have made us inspired by your story. Many woman out there that have no right to be a mother because of their immaturities and carelessness but you, you made all your duties, Liam and Evelynn are so lucky to have a mother like you. Even if they're gone but they will stay forever in your heart. God Bless Becky..
    kids birthday parties nyc


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