Monday, May 20, 2013

May- Part 4: The Emotional Rollercoaster Continues on

When will it end. Emotionally this is one of the hardest months I have had in a long time. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm emotionless. I'm overly emotional. Life is great. I want to get hit by a bus or jump off a cliff.  I'm grateful. I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm tired. I've had enough. I need Xanax, cuz I think I am losing my mind.

Question for all you mommas out there who now have your babies. Does the jealousy ever end? Does it ever get better? Will I ever be able to handle listening to anyone talk about pregnancy stuff? Or will I always just sit there cringing and hoping they stop talking about it sooner than later?

This past weekend was nonstop babies and baby talk and it was killing me. I hate looking like the uncaring jerk who ignores all conversation when baby stuff comes up, but I want no part of it. It sucks. I hate being like this, but it really is all I can do to keep it together.

My triathalon was on Sunday. I finished and I made my goal, but man compared to most people doing it, I got schooled, and did not do well for my age group. But at least I tried, right?

This being a huge event, there was of course tons of families there, and like most large gatherings like this, I really started to lose it. The night before the race we had to drop our bikes off and all of our gear. I could not believe the amount of moms hauling their bikes in with their babies in their carriers. There was also a bunch of other moms with their daughters pushing their bikes in together. Seeing all of this brought tears to my eyes instantly. All I could think about was how if Evelynn or Liam were here they could be at the finish line with their dad cheering me on like all the other families. Then I thought about how in 7 more years, Evelynn would be 8, and if she wanted she could do this triathalon with me, but now I may never get the chance to ever do any of the mother daughter events:(. There are definitely lots of events that Max and I could do together as well, but their are so many women only events that I fear I will never get to share with a daughter. My daughter who is supposed to be here and I am so mad right now.

I went to my car after dropping everything off and I cried, and cried, and cried the whole drive over to the work gathering I needed to go to after.

Then their was race day and all the families and moms and daughters, but there were also women there who were pregnant. I seriously wanted to slap all of those women and yell at them and say, "what the hell is wrong with you?" There was a lady there doing it who was 9 months pregnant, huge. Maybe I am just more concerned because of what I have been through, but all I could think about is how could any doctor approve of her or any of them doing this. I get it, you're in fabulous shape, BUT all it takes is for you to lose your balance and fall and land on that belly. I could picture one of them going down and that uterus rupturing. Maybe its just me, but why would you put your babies life at risk like that. I guess I am just an overparanoid freak now about these things.

It also all just made me wonder if I would have done this had Evelynn lived, even Liam. I had a friend do it with me who had her baby shortly after I had Evelynn, not to mention there were tons of other women there with pretty young babies. I had wanted to do this tri for the past couples years, but having just lost both my children right before, it didn't seem too appealing. I'd like to think I would've done it had any of my babies lived, but I'll never know this since it hasn't happened yet. I really hope that Max and Dereck will be there at the finish line next year if I decide to do it again.

For tonight now I am going to meet up with my grief group lady, again. I have been talking with her a lot this month as my mental health is not doing so well.


  1. Poor thing, I know it's hard. I can only imagine your pain, but I think it is so fresh right now that it's hard to see the light. When baby Max gets here healthy and gets older your mind will be occupied on him. You will never get over the hurt and what ifs but the pain will lessen eventually. You may never really want to hear about pregnancies and such but I think when you have a baby in your arms you will not have such an emotional response to pregnant ladies. You have every right to be the way you are, I would too! Except I doubt I'd be able to be as strong as you and get out there with all those families.

  2. The jealous, for me at least, has gotten lighter. It's definitely still there and lots of pregnancy and baby things make me cringe/sad/bitter, but there are times when I'm ok with being part of the conversation or hearing pregnancy talk. Obviously depends on the topic and the person, but I have found that intense bitterness to lighten. A little.

    I'd love to pick your brain about your Tri. I'm doing my first next weekend. I will be slow and it won't be pretty but I hope to just finish so I think it's fabulous you did! Any pointers?

    I sure hope Max is there in Daddy's arms when you cross the finish line next year.

  3. Gah, the pregnancy thing really has not gotten much better for me, I'm sorry to say. Maybe a little but I think it's bc I can ignore better now. I do feel a little less "surrounded" if that make sense. And I don't think there are less pg women, but maybe I notice them less? Ugh, I don't know. Wish I had better news on that. :/ Hoping the month gets better for you. I'm having a really off month too. Going to try a new therapist. Big hugs

  4. I'm with Molly. It has gotten a tiny bit "easier", but really I still avoid pregnant women, baby showers, etc like the plague. I have found that I can start talking to people about pregnancies IF and only IF they are having a boy. Seeing baby girls still breaks my heart every.single.time. I think I have been happy for a total of 3 mom's having girls since Addi. The rest I'm so jealous it hurts. All those mother daughter type events is enough to make me crawl under my bed and stay there forever. I'm so sorry this month has been especially rough. Sending lots of love and I'm so impressed about the run! You are amazing whether you believe it or not, it's true. Xxxooo

  5. Everything you said from the questions about "will I ever not be jealous ... to why would a 9 month pregnant lady put herself and her baby at risk by running a triathalon" totally resonates with me. I had to pull out of a professional meeting today because one of the faculty members is bringing her newborn baby. I told the coordinator I just could not handle it emotionally. I of course am also wondering why the woman has to bring her child to the meeting ... it seems unprofessional to me - but I also overthink things. Congrats for doing a tri though! That is quite an accomplishment!

  6. Hi Becky, I read all of your posts, but I've rarely commented. As mom to one twin by my side and one twin flying high (who passed away due to a rare syndrome), I can say that my years of infertility combined with having to deal with the loss of my long awaited son have made me a very different mom than I imagine I would have been to my precious daughter-- in an amazing way. I am still very uncomfortable around all of "those" moms, as I am grateful for every tiny second that I have with my daughter, and to hear people complaining or taking it for granted is so so difficult. I encourage you to be wherever you are this month, and the next and the next. You carry a tremendous amount of grief, and I so admire you for wading through it, rather than hiding from it-- the far easier route. I should mention how INCREDIBLE you are for doing that tri- whohoo!!! Maybe your little guy will be with you at the finish line next year, or maybe he'll be with you snuggled in your arms at home. Regardless, he'll be with you. Thinking of you and sending you many strong blessings for this difficult time.

  7. Honestly, Becky, the jealousy does subside a bit. At least it did for me. For you, it may never subside, simply because it seems impossible that you'd ever be able to safely carry your own child. Now, I'm not saying that medical technology won't make that possible one day, but right now, it just doesn't seem safe. Obviously, not a doctor, just an observation. Losing babies changes you, there's no doubt about it. I agree with you regarding the tri moms. One slip could take that precious life away. I don't think I'd be doing something as strenuous as a triathalon when I was that far along.

    I think the baby and pregnancy talk will always be tough, no matter how far from the loss of Liam and Evelynn you are. You'll learn to handle it better though as the months and years go by. Just as it is now, some days will be better than others, I'm sure.

    Lots of love to you, I know it's been a hard month but you're still here. Keep writing, talking and crying. It's all good.

  8. Congratulations on finishing a Triathlon! My husband and I are part the Downtown Run Group in San Antonio, TX and our motto is "Run Inspired". You probably don't realize how inspiring it is to others when you take part in something like that. Finish times don't matter. My favorite run shirt says, "Miracle isn't that I finished, but that I started!" I think it inspiring that you continue to walk through your grief, one step at a time. There's a psychological principle that says it is easier to act your way into a better way of feeling than it is to feel your way into a better way of acting. So hang in there, and may you begin to feel better as you take such positive steps to work through this difficult mental and emotional season. Ignoring hurtful comments is huge and noting and appreciating the everyday gifts and blessings that come daily is the very best thing you can do. I mentioned once before the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The things you are mentioning in your posts like the bench and planter are part of your list of 1,000. May you have opportunity to add many, many more. The Lord bless you and keep you, make His face shine on you, and give you peace.

  9. Because I have Kaia I can enjoy talk of babies and children, but because I may never have a 'good' pregnancy, talks about that still make me cringe. I have nothing to contribute during these discussions. I have no nice birth stories. No happy pregnancies memories of seeing floaty ultrasound moments or planning for the baby. My pregnancies sucked almost from beginning to end. I did nothing of note during them except watch the entire series of Buffy and Angel TWICE and worry myself sick. It will always sting that I didn't get the pregnancy I wanted.

    I remember seeing pictures about a year ago of the wife of Chris Helmsworth. In it she was about 5 months pregnant and she was jumping off a boat in some gorgeous island paradise. It just looked so foreign to me. People were commenting on the picture saying "ooh, would you be doing that while pregnant?" I couldn't even imagine it. I was afraid to move the 5 feet to the bathroom when I was pregnant let alone JUMP OFF A GODDAMN BOAT! Then a couple of weeks ago a woman I worked with ran a half marathon while 34 weeks pregnant. I know she was always in good shape, but I couldn't help think "I never even MADE IT to 34 weeks".

    So yes, Max will heal some of the hurt...but not all of it and you will never get that happy innocence back. It's gone for good.

  10. I haven't read the above comments, but I'll speak from my experiences.

    Yeah, a little easier to hear and not want to shoot daggers in their eyes (or logically, mouths), but it still makes me cringe as a BLM to hear people talk so nonchalantly about pregnancy, WHEN the baby comes, baby showers and the like. Hell, I still have a hard time buying clothes for Benjamin because I fear he won't be wearing that size. Like, I'm not sure how long I'll have him.

    I am still jealous of pregnancies. I don't like being around pregnant women and I don't ask them questions. I won't attend baby showers because I can't handle the carefree side of that sort of thing. Not that I don't think babies should be celebrated, but because the guarded part of my BLM heart still hurts in that area.

    Easier? Sure. I have no desire to talk pregnancy or whatever with people. I am cool with talking about kids Benjamin's age, but if you have a 2-year old, I want to run out of the room still. Or at least pretend like I don't see your kid.

    I understand why this is so hard for you. It's still hard for me in many ways as well. Love to you, Becky.

  11. Oh, I can so relate to the emotional roller-coaster! We don't' have any other children, so I can't tell you if it get's better. I do know I can't stand to be within 1000 feet of a pregnant woman or to hear a single word about pregnancy, babies, or parenting. It's just too painful once you've lost something so precious, like we have.

    I'm so sorry life is not what is should be, for either of us.


  12. Oh Becky, I am so sorry for all that you have been through! That is way more than anyone should be able to handle. My hearts aches for you. Hugs, momma <3

  13. I do not think what you're feeling is out of place or unexpected at all.

    You are one impressive lady- I love the "idea" of a tri, but know I don't have anything like that within me.

    As for whether the jealousy goes away... I don't think I will ever look at random two year old boys the same way again. I struggle a lot with friends who got to keep their boys the same age Jack would be- in all honesty it makes me super ragey jealous and all "WHY THEM AND NOT ME?". It's very hard for me.

    And pregnancy talk is hit or miss. Mostly miss because I can not relate to the theory that everyone will get to keep their baby and I can't handle when people do risky things- like the running or when people smoke while pregnant or when I feel like they are dismissing my words of caution (I don't say things to pregnant women, but when they ask I answer and often feel like they're not really listening because it could never happen to them...). I have a friend who pretended to do the swab for strep B but really didn't do it and lied to her midwife about doing it... And I was so enraged I don't think I could ever forgive her for risking her baby the way she did... And yeh.

    I'm still angry and so I can imagine your anger is double mine, at least.

    xox Becky. I really hope Max is here to watch you next year smash that tri! :)

  14. Jealousy is always triggered by something for me. Seeing a mother with her kids doesn't trigger me but seeing a mother with a specific little boy and then a baby girl is a trigger. I can avoid jealousy easily it seems, but anger is more unavoidable to me.

    For example, I am angry at the woman you talked about who was doing a tri at 9 months pregnant when I lived in the fucking hospital and wasn't allowed to walk to the bathroom, let alone race around town. Angry and maybe a little jealous too. I am angry at the girl in my mommy group who is my age with 3 boys (2 baby dads, one in prison, one an ex-bf) who just got pregnant for the 4th time (on accident) by her jerk ex-baby daddy. I am angry at my friend who had a home-birth after 3 c-sections and another who goes to a chiropractor instead of an OB and will have a homebirth. I even get angry at the slight push my mom gives me to have Avery eat vegan. I just want to shout that none of those stupid things matter: homebirth, vegan eating, fear of ultrasound radiation, marathons etc... It's all about getting the baby here safe. I wish people weren't so cavalier about it.

    In the world of babyloss, I lost my son at 18 weeks. I do not have the pain of loss at term and I have not had to go through it twice so I know I have a different experience than many. I don't personally have a problem with preggo talk like I used to but I get mad when people complain about minor things or say "I'M DONE being pregnant" at like 26 weeks... I think maybe I have stuffed my anger and jealously down and maybe that is bad but its where I am at.

    I hope so very much that Dereck and Max are waiting at the finish line for you next year at the race :)


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