Monday, May 6, 2013

Time For Change

Finally catching up with all my half finished blog posts.....

The week before Evelynn's birthday and we went to Hawaii, I had a visit with my grief group lady. I still try to check in with her at least once a month, but it's been almost 8-9 months since I last went to group, and I just don't think I'll ever go back, but being able to visit with her is always nice.

I had mentioned in earlier posts that I had been more on the emotional side, with almost daily cries again. Well, as soon as I got to her office the tears just started flowing and they wouldn't stop. I could hardly say anything for about the first 10 minutes because they just wouldn't stop coming. It's like they just knew that there, with her, it was okay to just let it all out.
She asked what we had planned for Evelynn's birthday, and I didn't have an answer for her. I just kept saying that I didn't know what to do. I really just wanted to get through the next few days of work and then get to Hawaii. I thought that there we would cry, be together, and do something to honor and remember Evelynn, and Liam as well.

She brought up all sorts of different ideas and things I could do for her birthday. These were all things that I had heard of before, like for the last 2+ years since I first joined this darn club, but nothing seemed right for my girl. Even with Liam, the idea of "celebrating" just doesn't work with me.

We also talked about all my pinterest/nesting/keeping busy projects as well as Jessica and our new baby, and then said our goodbyes.

When I got to my car the tears came back again, followed by so much of my anger. I don't where it came from, but it was there, making me angrier than ever.

When I got home I had decided that a "real change" needed to happen and it needed to happen now. This change I am talking about is with the nursery. That gall darn nursery that we picked out over 2 1/2 years ago that has yet to be used. I kind of felt a little crazy when I did this because I was super worked up, but within about two hours I had that entire nursery ripped apart and pretty much moved into the spare room across the hall. This room I had painted a lightish tan, beige color, with white trim after we had that water damage last winter. It's a very neutral, very basic room color, but way better than the bright green that I have looked at, and thought was a perfect nursery color, for the past 2 some years. I am beyond over it. I also decided that I no longer wanted the baby deer theme that we had first picked out for Liam. I love it, but I am so done with that as well. I think I may try to do a pinterest type project with all the different baby deer accessories, but not sure if any of it will still be used in the nursery or not. Plus, I had already been wanting to add butterflies into the nursery, so now it just may end up being all butterflies. Who knows, but for now we are starting over with a new nursery, new colors, new theme, and new baby. Maybe this is a good thing.

Once we got home from Hawaii, after we had learned that our new baby was a boy, I knew right away that I had to pack up all of the pink and Evelynn's girly clothes right away. It's all in one big bin now. It was hard to pack it all up, with thoughts of "Will I ever get another girl to wear all of Evelynn's pretty clothes" continuously running through my head. I think it was good to do already though. Now I can concentrate on creating this new nursery for Max.

I also want to share this blog post that I read the other week. After reading it, it really made me think about the "What if" and "Where would I be right now" if IVF had never been invented? If Jessica hadn't been willing to help us?

Would we have tried to adopt?
Would we hiding away from all babies and prego people, even more than we do now, just counting down the days until we could try and get pregnant again?

I read a lot of the comments to that post about how some people just not to continue with IVF or not, or just live child free. I guess I don't know for sure, but I do feel that we got pretty lucky with Jessica, IVF worked for us, and our little embie took right away. For that, considering all the other obstacles we have been faced with, I can say I am grateful for.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Becky, there are no words. There is no right and wrong way to do anything, and so I think that if having a new nursery is what feels right for you then I hope it brings you some peace.

    I think about you often, and how unfair life can be that you lost not one, but two of your babies. I think of some of the similarities between Evelynn's and Finley's births, and how things should not have happened how they did.

    Most of all, I send you love and strength xx


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