Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Our Carrier Is Pregnant- 36 Weeks/9 Months

Eeeeeek! We made it to 36 weeks. At this time in my pregnancy with Evelynn she was alive, then my uterus ruptured, and then my girl was gone. It is nerve-racking, but I am handling it pretty well I think. I would still say that a lot of it is still what I said before about being out of sight, out of mind. I think about it, even more so since I am back in North Dakota and have seen Jessica, but it is still very different than from being the one pregnant. It's weird in a way, like I see her and I know the baby she is carrying is mine, but yet it's different because that physical attachment isn't there-which by the way also sucks that I don't have that with him.

So today I met with Jessica for her 36 weeks appt. Last time I saw her we had just done the embryo transfer. All I have seen of her since then is in pictures. I know Max is my baby, yet the crazy baby loss mom side of me kicks in with this overwhelming, nervous, crazy, jealous feeling of how pregnant women bother me. I got annoyed/sad and tried not to show it. It really was hard to see her rubbing her belly and even meeting her coworkers who have all felt Max move before me. I don't want to make her feel bad about being happy. I am glad she is happy and Max is in a low stress environment, it just hurts that it is not with me. I suppose it didn't help that I was on the ob floor and they were everywhere, even some newborn babies. Ugh! I guess maybe it doesn't matter if you're the pregnant one again after a loss or if someone else is doing the carrying for you, your heart doesn't forget the hell, heartbreak, and love of what you once had and possibly could never experience again- at least not joyfully and without major risk:(.

As I said I am in North Dakota now. Before my drive up from central MN Jessica had informed me that she hadn't slept much that night because of nausea, heartburn, and lots of contractions. I was ready to drive up instantly if she would have said she was for sure going into labor, but they got really irregular and for the most part went away. I kind of almost started crazy worrying though with the flashbacks of Evelynn's last days with me and still wondering if the pains I was feeling were those of labor and I didn't do anything about them until it was too late. Glad things have calmed down in the mean time, but I would still be okay if Max wanted to make an appearance before Sept. 30th.

As far as the weight game goes, I love that so many of you put your guesses in as well!

A crazy connection was discovered the day before I left Alaska. Apparently the Radiologist that reads most of the mri's from the clinic I work at, who also is super awesome, came to my fundraiser, and is a fellow Minnesotan like myself, well his wife has a sister who apparently works at the same hospital that Jessica does. It just so happens that this sister is an Ob Nurse Practitioner and she was telling her sister, the Radiologists' wife, that one of her nurses at the hospital is pregnant but is carrying someone else's baby. Can you believe that the Radiologists wife's sister works with Jessica? Super, small world.

Also, the day before I left Dereck and I went in had a "prenatal" appt with the Pediatrician. Now I have talked to him and his wife quite a few times recently since they are the ones who have helped me with the domperidone, but they thought it'd be good to just sit down with both of us and figure out how to go about things once Max is born and since we will be seeing an on call Pediatrician right away. It was kind of a hard appt as all the thoughts of Evelynn and my appt with her there came back to me.
Operation Bring Milk Back for Max:
On August 31rst my morning pump produced 1.75 ounces! It seems that out of nowhere my milk production has just taken off. And if anyone is wondering if breast size has increased, it finally has as well. Woot woot, lol! I think this in itself has helped my pump work more efficiently and allowing me to do less hand massaging after, which is great because I was doing a lot of it.

At the beginning of September I started the 5th week of being on the domperidone. It is seriously a wonder drug in the producing lactation dept. It really does keep getting better and I am stressing a lot less now about having enough milk in time for Max's birth. By Sept. 6th my morning pumped produced 2.25 ounces and on the morning of Sept. 7th I broke 2.5 ounces. Woot woot! Of course these numbers look good but they are just for the morning pump. These morning pumps happen after not pumping for a good 6-8 hours while I'm asleep. I am still having a hard time getting up during the night. Most of the other pumps are producing on average of 1 ounce still since I try to keep them around 4 hours apart. I think real soon, at the rate things seem to be moving lately, that all the pumps will be getting up to where they used to be when I was pumping and donating Evelynn's milk. At least I hope they will.

Starting tomorrow I plan to start keeping more of a record of what is being produced at each pump. I am probably going to start saving and freezing some of the milk as well, you know just in case it decides it wants to stop or slow down once Max is here.

Oh, and the zits are going away thankfully. I was getting in my head about them big time that they were going to turn into my old rash and all my hard work was going to go down the drain.


  1. I can only imagine how you feel. Your mixed emotions sound normal to me. I think you are just awesome to do this so you can have your Max! Way to go with the milk production! Yes, part of this journey sucks, but look who will finally have their baby in their arms soon!

  2. Seeing 36 weeks/9 months in the headline blows my mind.

    I am hoping Max arrives in the next couple of weeks- these last ones are for sure the most stressful, especially given all you have been through.

    Good job on the milk- I'm sure once Max is in your arms your boobs are going to start shooting out milk- can't wait to hear about it.


  3. That milk increase is awesome. I think freezing it is a great idea. And if you have a lot while still there, I know people who have shipped milk with dry ice.

    36 weeks. Wow, wow, wow. Thinking of you all - your family of five, as you brave these next couple weeks.

  4. So grateful you are in Grand Forks safe and sound! I am Jess's mom and we were kind of on pins and needles hoping nothing happened before you were here! Happy last couple of weeks pregnancy wait - it will all be worth it!!

  5. I am so grateful you are in Grand Forks safe and sound! I am Jess's mom and we were on pins and needles hoping that nothing would happen before you arrived!! Happy last few weeks of pregnancy - it will all be worth it!

  6. Seeing that title just made my heart leap. That's so wonderful and of course the 36 week mark is so hard because Evelynn was still here and well. :/ IF ONLY.

    I know it's not me in your shoes, but I think I would have a hard time seeing Jessica pregnant and rubbing her belly. OF COURSE you want Max in a nurtured, safe environment and being loved by everyone. But that has to make you sort of uncomfortable to see someone else touching your child and that you aren't physically able to bond and nurture as she is. And yet, it's your baby. Such a wild twist of emotions for any mom who is using a surrogate... let alone a mom who lost two of her babies she carried herself. :/

    So hoping Max makes his arrival soon (but not too soon... no NICU please!) and safe. Anxious and hopeful.

  7. that title is amazing. I am largely a silent follower of your blog, only commenting rarely, but I am so very happy to know that this journey of Max's into your arms is nearly done. I think of Evelynn and Liam often, you are a wonderful mother to all three of your children, your love for them is so very clear through everything you write.

  8. Yay for 36 weeks! Max will be here before you know it! I can't wait to see pics of him.

    As much as I know you know it, what you're feeling (the envy, etc) over not getting to experience this pregnancy or the crazy fear creeping in is completely normal. AND IT SUCKS! Yes, you've had the joy of knowing what pregnancy feels like but it's not the same. But it's ok. I'm sure Jessica understands it too. You'll get through it momma! Only a few more weeks!

    As for the milk, WAY TO GO! Keep it up!

  9. You know... I think your reaction to seeing her and others rub her belly is perfectly reasonable. In fact, I think I would ask her to please not do that and not to allow others to do it in your presence. It's her body but it's YOUR baby.. and the belly rubbing is a possessive sign. It would bother me quite a lot and bothered me to read that it was happening. I'm glad you are close to holding that bundle in your arms yourself. I also think that at the birth, nobody should feel that they have any rights to hold the baby besides you and your husband. I know that Jessica's family is excited and they have played a major role in bringing Max here... but this is YOUR baby and there is no reason anyone needs to expect to have physical contact with him expect those his parents invite to do so.

  10. What a strange feeling it must be to have the natural, normal reaction of a baby loss mom to a big pregnant belly, BUT also know that the child is biologically yours.Still, it will be forever unfair that someone else is looking down at that belly that contains Max, and receiving all of the attention, and belly rubs, that go with it. That should have been YOURS and it is right and natural of you to resent that a little or a lot.


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