Monday, September 23, 2013

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Already a momma to my Liam and Evelynn, but love this for what it is.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author unknown


  1. I agree. You already are a wonderful mother.

  2. Love this! All your babies are blessed to have you as their Mommy. I'm checking a couple times a day now to see if there's any updates! :D

  3. You are! And they are blessed bubs. They could not be more loved. I am checking religiously to hear when Max arrives.

  4. Thanks for sharing this. You are a great mommy.

  5. I think it's kind of harsh to say that you will be a 'better' mother than others just because you had losses and it was harder for you. Yes I think you will be a wonderful mother but not necessarily a 'better' one. Be careful setting yourself up like this too, mothering is still very hard and there will be days that it will be all you can do to just make it through. Its OK and never feel guilty about that either. Being a mother is the most difficult and best job there ever was. Good luck and enjoy!

    1. Not to sound "harsh" back, but I didn't write this. I found it on another gestational carrier blog and for what it is, I think its good. I don't on any level think I am a better mom than others who haven't had a loss but I do feel me myself will be a better mother to my own kids because I know what it is like to lose them and will cherish all my time with them. And I am not stupid, I am well aware parenting is hard, the write of this didn't say it was easy.

    2. I actually think this comment is quite harsh and I find the phrasing 'just because you had losses' hurtful. Losing a child is not something that 'just' happened. It defines who you are as a mother and as a person. For the rest of your life. Always. I think all blm's find it really hard to mother a living child and I think all of us see our shortcomings and even feel guilty about not having been able to save our child, however irrational that thought is. So what's so awful about feeling a better mother once in a while? LIfe is difficult enough as it is.

    3. I suppose this is an odd time for me to finally leave a comment on here, but call me hormonal, I can't not say something.

      Anonymous - next time leave a name, your words will have more weight and respect when you don't behind an "anonymous" title. And then re-read the post. At no time does it state that Becky feels she will be a better mom than anyone else. But clearly with your straightforward advice, you feel you have something to offer her that she somehow didn't previously that being a mother can be difficult. Really? What part about burying two children did you think was NOT difficult?

      There is a sentence in her post that I hope you yourself can take and learn from - yet I hope you do not have to learn it in real life, as she has had to:

      "I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes."

      I pray you take this and have more compassion with your own words as you move forward in your mothering journey.

      Most sincerely ~ Jessica

    4. Becky, you are a wonderful mother to all your babies! Jessica, there is a huge tribe who is so grateful for all that you have done and said and understood. Sending love!

  6. I have a lump in my throat reading this. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Dear Becky, Like many others I'm checking your blog so often now. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope Max will be born healthy very, very soon. You already are a wonderful mother to all three of your children. The road ahead will also be hard (I know it took me almost a year to feel comfortable with being a mother of a living child and find my way amongst other 'normal' parents), but Max will also give you so much joy and energy. Be kind to yourself. Whether you feel happy, scared, sad, angry, insecure: you are always doing the best you can and that is always good enough. Lots of love!

  8. For us impatient BLM's out here waiting for our rainbows, you should post a quick daily update LOL I come to this blog more than 10 times a day to check in! My rainbow is due in April....

  9. I can barely stand the anticipation. It feels as if is happening to me. I remember the final days before my rainbow was born. I agree with Anonymous - I check your blog 100 times a time to see if maybe your Max has arrived. This weekend is going to be soooo long.

  10. I can not wait. The weekend is going to be sooo long.

  11. Had to come here and read that horrible comment. I hate people.

  12. I must be honest, I'm not always in total agreement with these types of posts. I don't feel I'm a better Mom because Aidan died. I don't feel I'm a better Mom because Kaia almost died. I'm a good Mom because I care.

    I do think it's okay and probably healthy to recognize that you're not necessarily always going to LOVE being a Mom just because your first (and second) baby died.

    To explain I'll illustrate: When we got Kaia home from the hospital she would not latch and breastfeed in a way I or her medical team deemed acceptable. She didn't gain weight in her first few days home doing my utmost to pump/breastfeed/fingerfeed. We saw an LC x3, we had a nurse come to our house, I AM a freakin' nurse...but kid grew when she had bottles and not when she breastfed. It was HARD and I was fed up. AND what added to the stress was feeling bad about myself because I wasn't LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. It was HARD to get up every night multiple times. It was excruciating to have Kaia gnaw on my nipples. It was stressful to hear that my preemie wasn't growing despite me doing everything 'right'. If Aidan hadn't died, I might have been easier on myself, but because he did, I felt like I was a crap Mom for not being GRATEFUL FOR EVERY MOMENT.

    Now that Kaia is two, I still love her loads and loads and loads...but usually I can't wait until she goes to bed at night. It's normal and okay if you sometimes aren't loving every minute of it.

    In the end, you will be an awesome Mom because you care to be one, although not necessarily better or worse than any other Mom. We all have our strong points, and having had a prior loss can sometimes be a weakness as well as a strength. Due to my loss I might have been less 'go with the flow', more 'anxious', less 'satisfied' with my new baby and in doing so may have actually compromised my breastfeeding experience. It's something I can only now appreciate in retrospect.

    Anyway...moving on.


  13. I hope the nasty woman who left that comment comes down with a RAGING yeast infection.

  14. I was just talking about this with a friend last night. I think when you've lost a child the innocence of parenthood and pregnancy are gone, the nativity is no longer there. You forever have a whole that wasn't there before and it doesn't make you more of a mother or less of a mother but you see things in a different way in a way only a mother who has lost a child can. You are a wonderful mom to Liam and Evelynn and will continue to be a wonderful momma to Max! I'm so happy to hear of his safe arrival!

  15. 'Anonymous' needs to calm down. I don't think its about being a better mother than other non-loss mothers, I think its about potentially being "better" than our non-loss selves. I know personally, I would probably be more "tough love", if not for my loss. But I kiss every boo-boo and I comfort every cry-in-the-night. We know the feelings of wanting, expecting, and losing a baby. We try to take nothing for granted. You're an awesome mom, Becky. Always were and always will be.


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