As I mentioned in my post from Tuesday I have been trying to keep busy this month. Truthfully I haven't been a huge fan of July so far. I have been busy and having lots of fun, but trying so hard not to think about all the things I could have done, haven't done, might do, or shouldn't do that could result in me getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. I was so happy in June. It was exciting knowing that the 6 month wait was ending and it was time to try again. I put so much hope in the first cycle being the one that when I found out last Monday I wasn't pregnant I was really down for a few days there, really I still am pretty down about it. I was also making myself rather crazy during the waiting period after my IUI, which I am sure wasn't healthy for me to be freaking out as much as I was. It kind of worries me that I will be like that through my entire next pregnancy, whenever that happens, but Yikes!
So here I am again. I finished my Clomid this past weekend and got my u/s follicle check today. Dereck was able to get off work 5 days early so he will be back on Monday so he wouldn't miss it if they were ready. Monday will be day 15. My follicles are growing nice and slow like last month, uhhhh, so they won't be ready my dr. says for another 5-6 days probably. It's not bad news, just not the news I wanted. I wanted to hear that this month that there were tons of them and they were growing good and we would actually be ready for our IUI on Monday, instead it won't happen till late in my cycle again. I don't like that because I have been doing a lot of reading(got to stop doing this so much) but everything I've read says your chances of getting pregnant drop the closer you get to your next period day. Why couldn't my body be normal and ovulate with the average population around day 14. Frustrates me, but I guess I should be happy I'm actually ovulating.
Really wish I could be more excited for this cycle but I am not, and I won't let myself get that way. Like I said I just got to stay busy and don't think about it. The worrying and stress I keep putting myself through isn't going to get me pregnant any faster and then when I get the BFN I get more depressed. So this cycle I am just trying not to think about it too much and just take things day by day. Let's hope it works because mentally/emotionally I'm just not handling it well. I have even told a few of my friends who want to try and get pregnant soon that they better not beat me to it. Like they are going to wait for me to get prego first. I'm just a little bitter these days can't you tell. I want to get pregnant and I want to get pregnant now.
Update on grief group
So I talked to the facilitator about me and Dereck trying again and what she thought about me talking to the group about it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that's why in a past post I was curious what everybody thought about sharing that info with the group. She said it is something that I should definitely share if I am having a hard time dealing with ttc and even when I get pregnant because she knows how hard it is to have another child after losing one.
So last night I eased into it saying that we had tried last cycle and how hard this past week and half has been on me since I found out we weren't pregnant. I then asked the group how they would feel if I was pregnant because I want to go to group when I am pregant and will need support from others since I know I will be stressing about the pregnancy while still grieving Liam. If only there was a pregnancy support after loss group, but there is not. Everyone said they would be fine with it and actually would be very happy for me, they might cry but are happy because they want the same support back when they are ttc/pregnant again also. Still a little worried if new people join the group, especially if there loss is fresh. I guess I'll just have to feel out each meeting and do what seems appropriate that night.