Thursday, May 24, 2012

1 Month and Some Changes

Baby girl,
My heart is so broken. To think its been a little more than a month since you were born and exactly one month since we had to let you go. I wish I could go back and have one more day to hold your warm, perfect, little, baby body. I think about you all the time and am having a hard time letting go of all the plans I had for us this summer, next winter, next year, and so on. I had the next two years of your (our) life planned out already. So many thoughts and plans for your future, I don't want to let them go.
Love you and miss you always my sweet Evelynn.
Love, Mom

I am still not sleeping very well. I guess the pumping isn't exactly helping since I've been going to bed around 12-1am, getting up in the middle of the night to pump around 3-5am, and then again between 7-9am depending on the time of the last one. Usually by that second pump I can't fall back asleep even though I still feel incredibly tired. I keep making the mistake of checking Facebook or reading a blog or two during those pumping sessions and see something that makes me sad, like talk of or a picture of a baby, and then I get depressed. If I am lucky enough to fall back asleep it isn't for long and it isn't good. I end up getting those anxiety panicky attacks I got the first week after we came home from the hospital again. I still have the Xanax that I could take, and know it will help, but if I take it then I have to throw away my milk for the next three days because the milk donation place has strict guidelines. I know what's best for me is to probably just take the meds and dump the milk because the sleep would really do me good, but I am determined to do this as long as I can and donate as much as possible. Which by the way I have already collected over 2 gallons of Evelynn's milk to donate. Although my klutziness has returned and I have managed to spill quite a few ounces which frustrates me even more.

I decided that I need to take a break from the blog world for awhile. By that I mean take a break from reading the majority of everyone else's blogs that I have followed for the past year or so. I will still continue to write on my own though. I love my blog and it is a place I have been able to go to and process my grief but also a place to meet others who were in a similar situation. It will still be used as a place for me to remember my sweet Liam, sadly a place to now remember my sweet Evelynn, my life after a uterine rupture, and also now my husbands and my journey into the world of IVF with a gestational carrier.

To all you mommas that have been on this baby loss/ pregnancy after baby loss journey with me: I would've never made it through this past year without your support, and even though we have never met in person I consider you all the most amazing friends. I keep trying to read all of your new posts, whether they are related to your rainbows or not, they all just seem to cause me so much heartache. Please don't take this the wrong way, I truly am happy for you all and I hope you all understand why I am no longer commenting on your posts. I wish it didn't have to be this way and maybe it won't always be, but for now I just need to take a step back and take break from it all.

When I feel up to it I am going to start the search for blogs that once again relate to my own situation. Blogs of interest to me will now be more about recent uterine ruptures that resulted in baby loss, blogs with said mom wanting to get pregnant again and were advised not to, and also blogs about families trying to have a baby through the use of a gestational carrier. If anyone happens to come across a blog related to any of these topics I'd love it if you could pass it on to me. Hopefully one day I'll finally get lucky enough to have a baby to take home and share in that same joy. And as always, all of your precious babies will always be in my thoughts and will never be forgotten.

I also mentioned in my last post about Facebook being hard on me as well. With Liam I never cancelled my account but just looked at it less often. I would love to just cancel it now because it really does just depress me with all of the happy baby posts that seem to be like every third post I read. Also all of the people that just go on there and complain have become even more annoying. I will not be deleting it though because I found a uterine rupture support group on there and think it'll be beneficial for me to talk to these ladies who have been through it or are now just going through it as well. I just won't be reading anymore status updates. I have joined a uterine rupture support group through Yahoo as well.

I've been thinking a lot about the direction that my blog was going in towards the end of my pregnancy with Evelynn. I remember telling Dereck how I felt like I lived in blog land for so long after Liam passed. I was posting constantly and also searching for and reading blogs like crazy. Hours a day for many months on end were spent at the computer. I wanted so badly to find as many people as possible who had stories like mine. As time went on and I got pregnant again I soon started writing more about all my worries with that pregnancy. Eventually my posts turned into a weekly update mentioning what happened at a recent Dr. appt. or just that another week of pregnancy had gone by. I thought that was a sign of healing, maybe it was. I had wondered what my blog would be like after Evelynn was born. How often then would I be writing on it? Would I be writing a lot about Evelynn and sharing tons of pics of her or would I go back to writing mostly about Liam and how much I miss him? I have since went from barely writing on my blog to having so much to write about that I could post something almost daily, if I had the energy. Not really sure what direction my blog would've went in but this definitely wasn't the intended direction.

Brooke, Sonja, Laura, Natasha, Jessica, Tiffany, Molly, Brandy, and Mary,
Thank you so much for the care package of ham, cheese, potatoes, cake, and sauces. That was sweet of all of you. It will all be enjoyed this Memorial weekend with family.


  1. Becky-- I'm sitting trying to find the right things to say but nothing seems right. I totally and completely understand your wanting to step away from certain blogs. I don't blame you in the slightest bit.

    I'll always be a faithful reader and root for you and Dereck every step of the way but if my comments are a sad reminder or a trigger then I also completely understand and would never want to cause anymore pain or heartache. Just know we are always here for you.

    1. I love the comments and love that you are rooting for us.

  2. Thinking of you my dear blogging friend... and completely understand you wanting to take a blogging break. Be gentle on yourself and try to get some sleep to... you're doing such an amazing thing donating milk but also look after yourself too. I often think of you and here with you always xoxo

  3. I hope you get some sleep soon and some comfort. You need to do whatever is best for you right now and I am sure everyone undertsands how hard it must be to read some blogs now. I do hope you find ones that help.I am thinking of you. xoxoxo

  4. Becky, we all understand completely why you need to stop reading. I am 110% sure we would all do the same had the situation been reversed. I quit Facebook a few months after Hayes died and am still not able to go back, so I get it. So glad you have found some new groups to hel you through the next phase, and hopefully, you will find blogs, too bc we all know how helpful that support is. I will continue to think of and pray for you all the time, and I will follow your journey closely, hoping for amazing news for you. We all love you and wish we could change this horrible situation for you. So proud of the way you have handled yourself in such an impossible situation.

  5. I don't blame you for staying away from blogs right now. You have to do what's best for you and your emotional health!

    I'm so relieved that you have joined the UR group on yahoo and fb. The other women in the group have been an enormous well of love, advice and support to me since I joined after my UR. You're not alone, friend ((hugs))

  6. I haven't been following you for very long - I'm a new BLM, but your story has shaken my world. I can completely understand why you'd need to stop reading, but I think of you, Liam and Evelynn often and I'll keep reading your journey. When I was 8 months pregnant, a family friend's baby boy was stillborn. I clearly remember saying, "I would die if that happened, I wouldn't be able to live another day without my baby." A month later, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Two days later, he died in my arms. And here I am, still alive, still carrying on, somehow. You are facing a reality that is a nightmare of so many BLMs, and I often think the same thought - "I wouldn't be able to live another day." Your strength is amazing, and I hope so much that you'll be rewarded for it with a beautiful baby to take home and shower with all the love you have. I desperately want another baby, but I'm afraid I would just disintegrate if I lost another. Then I think of you, and I think again. People underestimate mothers, they are the strongest, bravest people, who keep hoping for a miracle, when the world falls apart. I know it's no comfort to you, but reading about you, Liam and Evelynn has changed me. It's given me the strength to realise that there is always a reason to keep hoping. Like everyone else, I desperately hope one day to read on your blog that you've found a carrier, and that you'll be taking Liam and Evelynn's brother or sister home.

  7. I definitely understand you not wanting to read the blogs about rainbow babies or seeing photos/videos of them(I'm guilty of posting those things all the time.) I hope you don't mind me still following your blog and commenting on it.

    I am so glad that you found uterine rupture support groups! I hope they help you. Still praying for you and thinking about you. As a previous person commented, be gentle on yourself

  8. i completely understand. you need to do what is best for you and your heart. don't worry about us. those who truly care will be there for you no matter what.

    i have removed myself from fb too. but i created another acct so that i could have access to my pages/groups. i have no friends so i don't have to see any status or pics of babies/kids. maybe that might help.

  9. Becky,
    I keep thinking I will come up with the right thing to say, but honestly there are no words. I will tell you that you, Liam, Evelynn and Dereck are on our minds and in our prayers. We all understand that you are doing what is best for you. We will be here, no matter what. Much love always <3

  10. Dear friend,

    You are and will always be a wonderful mother. All that you've written above makes sense. You need to grieve and find out where you feel most comfortable and love on those babies of yours in your own time and way. You should not have to read happy stories no matter where they come from-- even BLMs! Your heart is most important right now, especially. I think we all would agree that you need to care for yourself and know we are all thinking of you and have you in our prayers and thoughts daily.

    Wishing, hoping and praying for a group of friends that can carry you through this leg of your journey as well to surrogacy and beyond. I do hope you still write as I'd love to support and read. You are a mother- a grieving one, but one who deserves all the support and love from other mothers who lost children. You will always be part of this community. As shitty as it is, it's pretty freaking inclusive when it comes to baby loss. We're all heartbroken in our own homes and for you and Dereck as well in losing precious Evelynn.

    Loving you guys.

  11. I don't blame you for taking a step away at this point. I'm sure I would do the same thing.

    I lit a candle for Liam and Evelynn at the cathedral today and will hold your family in my heart an prayers.

    Best of luck with your gestational carrier journey.


  12. Oh, Becky, I know that one of the hardest things about loss is that in taking care of yourself, you can't be the friend that you want to be to other people. It's a harsh and unpleasant truth, but it's a real one. Of all people, WE understand. There is NO NEED for you to feel guilty about not reading blogs or about not commenting. The crappiest part is that it's not just guilt, I know, it's the disappointment that you have to distance yourself from the happiness of other people--people you really care about. But you need to do that (at least for a while) in order to survive. It's not selfish or angry or spiteful of you to take a step back--it's perfectly understandable and completely normal considering the grief that you are contending with on a daily basis.

    I hope you find the support group that you need at this time. You will always be part of our group too, and we are constantly thinking of you and Dereck and remembering your sweet babies.

    It has to feel impossible now that things will get better, that happiness will re-enter your life, but I think that the small steps you're taking to take care of yourself and seek information about surrogacy are signs that you will recover yourself from this devastation, and you will go on to be the mother who honors her love for Liam and Evelynn by finding her way back to life. I just wish it could be the life you had imagined. Know that we'll be thinking of you every step of the way.

  13. That makes total sense and I think all of us understand and would do the same.

    Just know that your family is never far from thought. Wishing and hoping for the very best for you.

  14. Becky, it's completely understandable to want to step back from reading the blogs you've followed for a long time. I had to do that too. I think we have all had to do that a time or 2.

    I know I probably shouldn't wiegh in on this, but 2 or 3 days of milk down the drain is certainly worth a good nights sleep. As long as you keep pumping on a regular schedule you should still be producing milk. Taking care of yourself is the number one priority. And, can I just say I admire what you're doing. I don't think I could have done it (honestly I didn't know you could donate breast milk when I lost Addie), I think it would have been too painful. It's a wonderful way to honor Evelynn.

    Of all people, we BLMs understand. Stay away, do what you need to do. Take care of yourself. We'll be here when you're ready. And please don't hesitate to yell if you ever need ANYTHING!

    Please know that I think of you all daily. My mind still can't wrap around the fact that both of your children were taken away from you. I've never cried so much over someone I've never met. I was rooting for you guys, hoping the rainbow would shine bright for you this time around. Though they both shine bright, your rainbows are where they noramlly are as opposed to in your arms and it's just not right. Sending you lots of love.

    Remember, if ever you need anything, just email me,

    PS...everytime I come to your blog, I can't help but notice just how much Liam and Evelynn look alike. Yeah, I know they're siblings, but the resemblance is uncanny. You and Dereck have beautiful children.

  15. Becky,

    Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. That is the most important thing. Many of us will still be here following along unless/until you say not to (and that would be fine too). I hope you are able to find and build a community around you that will make the next part of your journey a little more gentle. Thinking of you and your husband and babies every day,

    P.S. Milk bank policies were hard for me, too - my husband said they expected me to "be Mother Theresa" We put the word out through our doula, etc. and heard about a family where the mom was going through chemo, and I donated the milk directly to them so I could have a glass of wine or an advil now and then...I'm not sure if something like that could work for you?

  16. Becky, I think about you a lot and it hurts my heart to know how hard each day is for you and Dereck right now. How all the 'shoulda, woulda, couldas' are cropping up and each one feels like a fresh loss. I wish your reality was so much different than it is. I keep up hope for you that one day it will be better.

    Regarding the pumping, you might start to try to decrease the number of times a day you pump. I'm not sure how long you want to continue donating, but since you're a month postpartum now you should be able to drop at least one or two pumps a day (down to 6 or 7) and still get the same amount of milk you do now. It would allow you to get at least 6 to 8 hours of sleep at night without having to get up to pump.

    Pumping is such hard work and I commend you for being so generous with your time and energy. Remember to take care of yourself though too. Grieving is hard work as well and your body and mind deserve rest.

  17. I completely understand your need to protect your heart.

    When/if you're ready, we'll be here (and will of course be reading along). Becky, more than anything I wish this outcome had been different for you and your family. You deserve a beautiful family full of as many babies as you can managed (and then one!) and I hope one day you get exactly that. It will obviously never negate your two beautiful babies, and we remember them with you, every day.


  18. Totally understand that you need to take a break and step back. I think everyone has probably done that at some point- I know I have. Sometimes it's too much, too overwhelming, and the most important thing you can do for yourself is protect your heart. We all understand that. And we're here if you every need anything.

    I'll be thinking of your sweet babes always. Continuing to pray for you and your family.


  19. Becky, you have to do what is best for you. I completely understand you're need to protect yourself and to step away from reading others. I lost my Liam to PPROM (preterm premature rupture of the membranes). I understand the need to seek out others who have ruptured too, and who have been able to bring a baby home.

    I will continue to join you here and I will continue to hope for you and Dereck.

    You and Liam and Evelynn are in my thoughts daily. xx

  20. It still makes me so angry that this is your reality! I think of you, Derek, and your babies every day.... Please don't feel guilty for stepping back! I hope that you find support that you need right now in others that have survived circumstances similar to your own. I'll still follow and comment, I'm still supporting you!
    Sending love as always,


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