I am just so screwed up right now. The amount of thoughts running through my head these days are making me feel like I am for sure going in the direction of crazy.
Here I am yet again bawling my eyes out. The reason is the same as it was yesterday afternoon, not that I don't have enough of a reason already. My blm friend, the one who I had mentioned a couple posts back about how I was going to meet this summer with Evelynn, had her baby yesterday. I have wrote posts like this before and am sure I will have many more like this about how happy I am for her and her husband. They have been through babyloss and have waited years to get to this point, but I just can't hold back the tears of how angry I am at my own situation. I went through this all last year after the loss of Liam, although most people I knew at that time had never dealt with baby loss. They were all just friends or family that were pregnant at the same time as me but in the end there babies lived and mine died. This time around there were pregnant IRL friends again but also now there was this whole world of babyloss mom friends who were also pregnant. Everyone has there babies and I am left sitting here trying to deal with that fine line that separates my happiness for them but the jealousy and anger that I hold within myself.
I had finally been okay with facebook again and was awaiting the moment I could finally announce to the world that Evelynn was here. I still did, in a sense, but through her NILMDTS pictures. When your a blm facebook can seem more like the bearer of bad news than good, especially when you keep losing out on the chance to post about the one thing you have always wanted to. Speaking of facebook, did anyone else read the article about the women who got kicked off of facebook because she had posted her babies NILMDTS pictures? Such fricken bullshit! Mine are still there, along with all of Liam's pictures, and if someone wants to report me because they just can't handle pictures being posted from a mom who just wants to share a few pictures of her babies short, yet beautiful life, they have real issues. Or maybe just don't look at them at all then if your going to be that insensitive!
My days since the burial, and even before that I guess, have been filled with thoughts of doing the whole gestational carrier/IVF process to just saying screw what doctors tell me and just try to get pregnant again, or do both. The second can be life threatening to me and the baby but I want so badly to have that ideal childbirth I always wanted. The one I was supposed to have with Evelynn where I would go in for my scheduled c-section and then the doctors would hold my baby girl up and I'd get to see her on the outside for the very first time. She would be screaming. The doctors would clean her up and then she would get handed to me and Dereck. Then in a few short days we would all go home and love on her like crazy. I still have yet to see either of my babies eyes. I want so badly to look into there eyes and for them to be able to look into mine and just see me. I know that they got to feel me, my love, and every other emotion I felt from the inside but they never got the chance to see me. I also want the chance to hear one of babies cry. I have never got to hear that sweet sound and so desperately want to. I know not everyone gets there ideal childbirth, really I just want one that doesn't end in a tragedy.
I have been doing crazy amounts of research about pregnancy after uterine ruptures and with my luck I know it would be the stupidest thing for me to probably do, but there is the chance everything could work out next time. It could, or it could not, work out is the problem? As with anything there is no guarantee and I could never live with myself if I lost another baby because I didn't listen to the doctors. I know getting a gestational carrier is the right way, the smart way, to go about this but honestly I can't help but think about the rupture taking so much more from me. If my daughter would have survived and they told me to never use my uterus again I would have hated to hear that but at least I had my daughter. Losing both my babies and also getting told to never use my uterus again seems unbearable. I know there are many women out there who have struggled with infertility for years. I even follow a few blogs of women who have gone through babyloss and struggle with infertility, but I can't help but feel like less of a women because I can't/shouldn't carry a baby on my own. I also know there are plenty of women out there though who have never had or will have the chance to even be pregnant once. I feel horrible for those women as well and I should probably feel grateful that I was able to at least know what it was like to carry a baby.
It is one thing for you to decide on your own that you are done having kids or don't want to be pregnant again. It is another to have someone tell you that you should be done. I have cried many tears already over this and it breaks my heart even more to think I might never be able to feel those sweet kicks from my growing baby ever again. I know if we go the route of getting a gestational carrier and everything works out the end result will be the same, a living, healthy, take home baby and that's the important thing, but what if things don't work out? I went through the whole last pregnancy with people telling me to be optimistic, that last time was a fluke, and there is no way anything will go wrong this time. No matter which route we choose I am not going to believe any of that crap until I am told the baby is healthy and can leave the hospital with us.
I can tell that I think about all of this way too much because it is all reflected in my dreams. I have had dreams already of getting a GC (gestational carrier) and going through the process, but for some reason I never get to see how things turn out. Did the baby live, is everything okay? My most recent dream was about me getting pregnant again. In my dream I went to the hospital, I think I was about 35 weeks pregnant. I told the doctors I was there for my scheduled c-section and they brought me into the OR and got an epidural placed. I ended up texting Dereck because he wasn't there and let him know I was at the hospital if he was able to make it. Then the doctors and staff just started chatting and walking around doing random other things besides my c-section. I tried to tell them that my uterus could rupture any time and we needed to get moving on this. They did end up telling me I was having a boy though and I got excited because we already had a named picked out for him. Then everyone decided that they wanted to play this game that was like scrabble but with these weird cube/pyramid like pieces. I even joined in but had a hard time understanding how the game worked. Then the dream was over and I woke up again wondering why I just can't ever get to the point in my dream where I can see the end result. Did my baby live, did everything go okay? So frustrating.
I have also been thinking a lot about other ways in which we can get money to cover the cost of the GC/IVF process. I have already gone online and printed out quite a few applications for grants that were created for people to use for IVF type treatments. After speaking to the GC attorney the other week she told me that from hearing our story alone puts us in the top 10% for winning one of those grants. She is on the committee for a couple of them and even though most of the grants call for a clear diagnosis of infertility, our story because of our circumstances, an exception would get made.
Another thought that I had was looking into egg donation. Do I sound crazy yet? Yes, I have already researched it as well and one of the IVF clinics I am looking at does it. Yes, there is the fact that getting money for this would be nice but I also know how important it is for people to be able to have a family. Although I doubt I would even get accepted because of the cataracts that runs in my family, also the fact that my mental state isn't exactly the best these days, and I am getting up there in age. Maybe its a crazy thought but I was just thinking that since I have to get all pumped on hormones any way to do the egg retrieval, and if I have a good amount retrieved, I could just as well help a family in need at the same time. Geez, now that I type that out I feel like this is sounding a bit crazy.
I still have so much more I want to write about; the funeral, the burial, more random thoughts, and everything we have learned so far about using a gestational carrier. I am using the term gestational carrier instead of surrogacy now because I have learned that GC is not only the new term for a form of surrogacy but also that surrogacy is illegal in most states. So when referring to having someone else carry you and your husbands baby(s) you need to use the correct terminology or you can get in big trouble.
You most certainly are not crazy. I am so sorry and wish so badly you had your babies here. My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly.ReplyDelete
As a side note, a good percentage of the population ends up with cataracts, it's part of aging... don't let that deter you from doing what your heart wants.
Much love always <3
There is a yahoo group for people who've experience uterine rupture. They may have some insights for you when it comes to sub pregnancy and surrogacy.ReplyDelete
I really hate this is your reality....
Absolutely nothing you wrote is crazy. Like in the least.ReplyDelete
I understand completely why you're having such a hard time. I think the whole BLM community is having a hard time of handling having this happen to you (again) and we're not living the day-in, day-out stuff. We all want you to have babies, no matter how this is accomplished.
Continuing to think of you. xox
That jealousy and anger is understandable and your right!ReplyDelete
You aren't crazy! I on the other hand, might be. I keep thinking if i ever get pregnant again and its an unwanted pregnancy, I would find a BLM and give my child to them. "Unwanted Pregnancy" probably sounds like a ludicrous statement. But after having my rainbow, i know i dont want anymore kids. And hearing about your uterine rupture, scares the hell out of me since both my boys were c-section babies.
Lots of LOVE and ((HUGS))
Your not crazy, your letting it out,processing. I hope so much that you find a path that will succeed in a baby at home. I am always thinking of you, Evelynn and Liam.xoxoxReplyDelete
I would think the same thoughts and have totally thought the same ones for you-- trying to understand what I would feel in your position.ReplyDelete
Reading that you never saw Evelynn's eyes breaks my heart even more. I know how much I would've cherished to see Andrew's and having that feeling alone is like a huge gut punch. I am so thrilled you were able to experience pregnancy of your beautiful children, but yeah... that's not enough.
I just want you so badly to be holding your children. Liam, Evelynn, and any future babies however they come.
I seriously hope you go for any and all grants available. Unfortunately the uniqueness of your story may actually come out to benefit you in this way. Absolutely here to cheer you on and hope more baby Rasmussens can be born to you and Dereck.
You absolutely do NOT sound crazy. That you try your best to work helping others into everything you do sounds beautiful and heart warming.ReplyDelete
Light and love to you.
Considering all you have been through, I think you sound remarkably normal! I am sure I would have many of these same thoughts - how could you not? I hope that you guys find the path to parenthood that is best for you and find peace in the process. Like Brandy said - glad you got to experience the pregnancy side of things - but you deserve so much more than that. It's not enough when it ends in tragedy.ReplyDelete
You seem to be dealing really appropriately - if that even makes since, since nobody should EVER have to deal with things like this, of course.ReplyDelete
I am glad there are grants available and that you would probably qualify for them, and the idea of donating eggs is so generous.
Still thinking of you and your family every day.
you do not sound crazy to us. there is nothing we can say to make this better, and i would never try. but i want you to know that we are all here for and with you. abiding with you. and thinking of your amazing children always. sending you so much love...ReplyDelete
I think of you so often... and you are not crazy at all. You are grappling with the most terrible tragedy and are such an amazing person to be thinking of others via egg donation in the middle of it all. My heart goes out to you and with you always xoxoReplyDelete
You don't sound crazy Becky. I know that I would be researching all the possibilities too. I hope you apply for the grant and that you get it. I want you to bring home a baby to raise and love with all my heart.ReplyDelete
As a babyloss mother who suffers infertility, I think that you're wanting to donate your eggs is amazing. I don't know you well, we only met through our blogs a short time ago, but it's obvious what a good person you are and what an amazing mother you are too.
Thinking of you and always remembering Liam and Evelynn.
Hi, coming out of lurking to say how sorry I am for your loss. I agree with the others, you are not crazy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the things you are thinking or feeling, except maybe for feeling like less of a woman because you were told not to carry another child. This is something to grieve, of course it is. But please, don't ever feel like you are less of a woman or a mom or a person because of your losses, or because of the recommendation that you not carry another child. But I know, knowing that you should not feel that way, and actually not feeling that way are two different things.ReplyDelete
I did want to share one thing with you. I don't know if you are ready to go there yet, or consider it yet, but a lot of people are considering international gestational surrogacy as a way to control a lot of the costs associated with surrogacy. My husband has a friend in India who owns a clinic there which is how I heard about this. It is supposedly a lot less expensive than doing it here. It is a long and difficult journey, with a lot of challenges. In some ways easier and in some ways harder than finding a surrogate in the States, but I did want to put it out there for you to google at some point if you were interested.
My thoughts are with you and I can't wait until I can read about your little rainbow baby coming home with you and thriving and growing and keeping you up all night.
I remember during the process of getting pregnant with Aidan, I felt the NEED to have a baby SO badly I was googling anything and everything: infertility info, info about cardiac patients like me having kids, IVF info, adoption info, gestational carrier info etc etc.ReplyDelete
We hadn't even been trying that long (although two couples we knew got pregnant on the first try which was adding to my crazy) AND we had yet to lose a baby, but the drive to get a child home that I could love on was so huge. It felt like I was going crazy, so I can only imagine after two losses how desperate you must feel.
I think of you a lot and I hope that sooner than you even imagined, you'll be updating us about your new healthy, happy, alive rainbow baby. I'm just always so sorry it won't be Evelynn.
Nothing you have written sounds crazy at all. Considering all you have been through everything you've expressed is totally normal. I can't imagine all the loss you are having to grieve at the same time, your two precious children plus the loss of getting pregnant again. That is so much to process and grieve. I know I've said this before but I am so very sorry that you are having to suffer through all of it, it just isn't fair. We are still praying for you and thinking of your sweet little ones. Sending love. xxReplyDelete
Thinking of you all today. So.many.hugs.ReplyDelete
You don't sound crazy- not even close. You sound like an amazingly strong mama. I wish there was more I could say or do. I continue to think of you and your children every day. Sending lots of love....ReplyDelete