Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Night Before

It is the night before my sweet Evelynn's burial and my emotions have been all over the place today.

I have been so dang angry today. As much as I wish that this was just a bad dream I think it took until today for it to finally set in that tomorrow my second baby, my beautiful baby girl, will soon be buried next to her brother. It will be official then, and I hate it. I hate that this is my life. I just hate it.

I had wanted to spend so much time at the cemetery by Liam, but so far I have spent very little time there at all from what I hoped. I am having a hard time even wanting to be there because it just pisses me off so badly that my daughter is soon going to be there too. This was just not in the plan. It's not that I had finally accepted what had happened to Liam but rather the thought of having Evelynn here and alive had given me this sense of life back that I had lost after Liam passed.

Tonight we went to the cemetery on our way home and saw that her grave had been dug up and was ready for tomorrow. We have the flowers picked out and even planted some in the ground. Pictures have been printed out and some handouts have been made. I think we are prepared for tomorrow, but how can this fricken be? It just like last year all over again.

Life keeps going on for so many others and I just feel stuck again. I thought my life was finally moving forward.

A friend messaged me today. This friend was pregnant at the same time as me, we actually had pretty much the same due date. Remember my original due date, May 18th. Ya that's this Friday also :( She let me know today that she should be having her baby any day now and will be posting tons of pictures on Facebook. I don't know when I will ever be able to ever look at her again, or see her baby, for if and any time I see him I'll think about Evelynn and know that if she were here she would be just a few weeks older than him. I would remember the talks we had while pregnant about getting together with our babies once they were born and how convenient it is that we live so close to one another.

Just like all my other friends in real life and in the blog world, I am happy for you all, but it is going to be hard for me for a long time. I won't lie, I am even incredibly jealous of you all. I just want to know when its going to be my time to have a baby that I can finally take home? I don't think I will ever even be able to handle hearing another person tell me they are pregnant again, at least not until I have a baby in my arms first. (This of course discludes all blm's). I know its not fair to friends, family, and whoever else. People get pregnant, and people have to live there lives, my heart just can't handle it.

It's only been three weeks today since Evelynn passed away and already I am getting so many of those "things you shouldn't say to a babyloss mom" type comments. Tonight I got two of them. One being the good old "I don't know why it happened, but there is a reason why it did and we just won't know for a long time." Listen people who read this; If there is any reason at all why my baby died it was because my uterus ruptured and suffocated my baby. It had nothing to with God needing another angel or God having something else planned for me down the road and Liam and Evelynn had to die for this other wonderful thing to happen. That's all bullshit and I wish you would keep your mouths shut. It's only making things worse. The second being from a family member that said "and I was so hoping to finally get to be a great-grandmother." Hearing that once again confirmed that people just don't understand or even want to understand, and Evelynn was alive for 2 days. TWO DAYS! So what you were one for the two days she lived, but then she died, so now you are no longer one like someone stripped you of that title? And what about Liam? I just don't get people. I'd almost prefer to not even talk to anyone. It sometimes just seems easier to be alone.

A friend made this for us today, and I love it!


  1. Oh Becky, we certainly all understand your feelings... We have been there, just not to this extent. We all wish your babies or at least one baby could be with you. It's just not fair. And we are hating those ridiculous comments right along with you. People just dont get it. Pisses me off. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow as you bury your precious girl. I have a heavy heart for you, my friend. <3

  2. I am so very sorry. My heart breaks for you. Evelynn and Liam are beautiful, beautiful babies and the world is blessed for their being in it, even for a short time. My heart is with you and your family.


  3. I am truly heartbroken for you and saying a prayer for you now. I will continue to lift you up in prayer during this difficult week.

  4. I hate so much that people just don't understand! She was a great Grandmother the day Liam came into this world, she has two Great Grandchildren and for her to deny that is a very sad thing!
    As for the there's a reason for everything bullshit, well I think alot of us are on the same page for that one! I'll be with you in my thoughts and prayers today, as I have been every day since hearing.
    Again Sending Love,

  5. People say insensitive things all the time and I'm sorry. I wish people would just listen more and talk less...

    I love the picture that your friend did for you. It's beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time...

    Thinking of you and your babies ((hugs))

  6. I'm so sorry you are getting those insensitive comments. I wish I had some profound words as you endure the unthinkable (yet again), but there's just nothing to be said as something like this should never happen. My thoughts are with you - Wishing you strength.

  7. I am so sorry.

    I fully understand what you're feeling towards the friend that will have the baby any day now. I couldn't look at a little girl that was born the day after Thea.

    I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

    Big hugs


  8. I'm so sorry that people are saying stupid things to you. I just wish people would learn to give us a hug and keep their mouth shut. It would make things just a little easier.

    Good luck to you today. I know it will be hard, but I do hope that as angry as you are, that the weather is nice and maybe you can just spend a few quiet minutes at the cemetery. As angry as I get that my Drew is gone, I often feel calmer at the cemetery, because even though I believe his spirit is in heaven, I take some comfort in knowing that I'm as close as I'm able to be to his little body when I'm with him at the cemetery. I know he's not there with me anymore, but I like that I can be close to him for a little while.

    Know that we're all here, so don't keep your anger in--get it out on the blog so that when you're ready, you can start to feel less angry.

  9. It's incomprehensible that you are going through this again. That you have to deal with "things you shouldn't say to a babyloss mom" again. I'm so sorry Becky.

    I'm thinking of you today, but please know that I think of you, Liam and Evelynn every single day.

  10. Sending so many thoughts and prayers your way. I can't imagine what today is going to be like for you. I hate that you know what exactly to do because you have done it before.

    My heart aches for the pain you are feeling and I pray you are able to find some peace very soon. THinking of you and your babies constantly.

  11. There really are no words of comfort for most of us BLMs except, "I am do sorry for your loss." I've said it so many times in the past nine months, by other people really can and do make it so much harder on us than it already is by all the other stupid shit they feel compelled to say. I ended up with serious social anxiety due to the sheer volume of crappy things said to me about my twins that ended up making me feel unsafe being around anyone other than my husband for awhile. If you need to isolate after you get through your darling girl's funeral, please feel free to do so.

    Sending every ounce of love I can to you and your husband. This is sso unfair, and every single feeling you have is valid and justified. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


  12. I'm so angry for you. And I'm so angry at people.

    Your daughter did not die for a reason. She isn't a martyr for some bullshit cause. She simply died because science can be an a-hole. It doesn't matter WHY. It happened and it's awful and can't people just let you grieve and be angry about it? You have every freaking right.

    And the comment about being a great grandmother breaks me up as well. Not only because she didn't acknowledge Evelynn's birth and LIFE, but that she was so selfish about it. Oh, I feel so sorry you don't get to act as a great grandmother but you were able to be a mother and grandmother. While you're just trying to bring home A BABY. As if that's too much to ask.

    You have a right to all these emotions and I hate that they're real and this is real. I hate it so much for you. Thinking of you and your babies today and always.

  13. You would think others would have learned by now what to say and not to say but sadly there are some people out there that never learn or listen. I understand how it feels hearing that from your Grandmother- it was like that with my whole side of the family in fact they even thought I should have felt relieved and ready to move on because Jack had Downs. No matter how much we are prepaired for these kind of comments and feelings, when they say them it still shocks and hurts so much.
    I understand your feelings about pregnancy and even when it's a fellow blm it can be hard to read. Dont pressure yourself to have to relate to anyone or read anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to focus on whats best for you now.
    I am always thinking of you, Liam and Evelynn xoxo

  14. Sometimes it would be nice if life could be more like Facebook and you could delete insensitive comments and people from your life as easily as you can delete them from your wall. You need an 'ignore' button for those people right now.

    You have every right to be angry. I'm angry on your behalf! I hope you can find a few peaceful minutes tomorrow amongst all the sadness. I think of you and your family often.

  15. "I know its not fair to friends, family, and whoever else. People get pregnant, and people have to live there lives, my heart just can't handle it."

    You know, it does not matter what is fair to your friends, family, and everyone else. This is your story - your life - and you can feel however you want for as long as you want. I hate the word, "fair," because of course life isn't fair and why complain about it, right? BUT - in this situation, I totally understand why you feel this way and I feel this way for you. I don't say this EVER - but I'll say it here. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU IS NOT FAIR!

    Please don't worry about anyone's feelings but your own right now. You've earned that right, in my opinion. Be angry at the stupid things people say - because they are stupid even if they were well-meaning.

    I think of you all the time. My heart just aches for you.

  16. "I know its not fair to friends, family, and whoever else. People get pregnant, and people have to live there lives, my heart just can't handle it."

    You know, I don't think you need to worry about what's fair to your friends, family, and everyone else. What has happened to you is unimaginable, and experienced by so few people (unfortunately another BLM has experienced something similar this past weekend - unreal). There is no way for anyone to know or understand how you're feeling - and you don't need to justify any of it or feel bad about it.

    Life isn't fair - and I hate the word, "fair," because it seems silly to complain about something so inevitable in life. But in this situation, in your situation - I will say this (and I never say this): What happened to you is not fair. What isn't fair to everyone else right now pails in comparison to the unfairness that has been done to you.

    As you can see, I am angry for you. I am so beside myself. I'm sorry that people are saying stupid things to you, even if they are attempting to be well-meaning. People need to not say anything other than, "I'm so sorry. Tell me about your daughter and son, if you'd like - I'd love to hear about them."

    I think of you and your babies every day.

  17. I don't blame you for being angry. It's just not fair that you're going through this. I wish people would be more considerate in what they say to you and all blm's. They don't realize that they're adding salt to your wounds. I'm so sorry, Becky. Praying for you

  18. My thoughts are with you today. To say this will be hard is an extreme understatement, but you will be ok. Never again the same, but you'll be ok. There are people out there that care about you and understand what you're going through. And, you know what? Tell those insensitive people where they can go. They don't or can't understand. Evelynn was meant to be here, just as Liam was. Why lightning has struck your family twice, I'll never understand. You're a wonderful momma, only ever wanted the best for your children. Never forget that.

    Lots of love and hugs to you all today and always.

  19. your feelings are so valid. i wish so much that i could take this reality away and that you could have BOTH of your children in your arms. i'm sending you so much love.

  20. I am so sorry people are such idiots and say hurtful things. I think some people just shouldn't be allowed to speak, at all...

    The collage your friend made is simply beautiful. Thinking of you and your beautiful babies.

  21. Thinking of you a lot today - I know it is a very hard day. Take care of yourself as best you can. You have every right to be angry and every other emotion, too. It's just so unfair, and I'm so sorry.

  22. You and your hubby have been on my mind sooooo much these last few weeks. Your babies are so beautiful and it simply SUCKS they are not in your arms. I am angry for you.....this is beyond unfair. I have no words of comfort because I honestly think there are no words that could help. Please be there for each other and allow others to be there for you. So many hugs to you both.

  23. I know you don't know me, but I read your latest posts and have been sad & angry for you. Sending thoughts & prayers to you. I hope that the support from us fellow BLM's and from those IRL give you the strength you will need now, tomorrow and in the coming months/years. Hard as it is, don't give up hope. ((hugs))

  24. Hi lady. I know there are no words at all, and I know today must have been so heart wrenching for you to endure... Burying both your babies, one year apart, side by side.

    I hate you're getting so much these obnoxious comments. As you said, at this point you were starting to accept that Liam isn't here, and then whammy- you lots Evelynn... It's hard to comprehend this bullshit happening twice, and accepting it.. I don't know if that's possible.

    Thinking of you, and so angry for you still. I am, however, thrilled to see your fund is doing well. I want you to have another living baby in your arms (for keeps) so badly. xox

  25. I just hate this for you. I hate that this is your reality, and it just breaks me, even though I only know you because we are both BLMs. I look at your beautiful children and just can't stand it. You have every right to be angry. I was so angry after the loss of one baby I could hardly breathe. I can't imagine how I would be if I lost my second, my rainbow. Life is so effing unfair sometimes. I am praying for you, strong mama.

  26. I am yet another BLM who you do not know, but who has been so hurt and angry for you that I have to comment. You and your beautiful Liam and Evelynn are often in my thoughts. I am thinking of you today, and I hope that the strength and love that the BLM community sends you, will help you to get through such a terrible day.

  27. oh I wish I could take all of this away, putting both of you babies back in your arms. I have no words except you are on my mind all of the time. much love always.

  28. I think you are feeling exactly what anyone in your place would feel. I am still jealous of pregnancies and I think a part of me always will be. I'm sorry you are getting ignorant comments from people. Good intentions are no excuse, you know? You know I do not believe for a second that everything happens for a reason. I get so angry when people associate that idea with religious faith. They are not the same thing! There is no good reason your babies aren't here with you. It is a great tragedy and a terrible wrong. It is not some kind of learning experience or personal test. You are already a wonderful mother, and I do believe with all my heart that it is just a matter of time before you bring home a baby to love as much as you love Lism and Evelynn. Thinking of you.

  29. I think anyone in your place would feel the same way. I'm still jealous of pregnancy and new baby news. I think part of me always will be. So sorry you're having to hear stupid comments. There is no reason for the grief and suffering that you must endure. The one thing I can believe is that you will bring home a baby to love as much as you love Liam and Evelynn. I want this for you and I believe it will happen.

  30. Thinking of you always Becky. You didn't deserve this :(

  31. I'm sorry about the crap, insensitive comments from people. Even when we see them coming, it still hursts like hell.
    Becky, I can totally relate to the feelings of jealousy/envy/heartbreak when hearing about other pregnancies/birth announcements. I was so entrenched in BLM blogland since Joseph died, but I had to take a break for a while. The natural course is to go on to have a rainbow baby and knowing that is near impossible for me, well, it was all getting to much and my heart just couldn't handle it either. I felt guilty for that. Like I should be just happy for others, and while I am (of course), it still just hurt too much.
    If I had the money, I would pay outright for a the surrogacy for you, I really would. I know it would never bring back your beautiful Liam and Evelynn, but I see how healing a little rainbow can be and I wish with all my heart that you have a baby in your arms, and sooner rather than later. Always remembering your boy and girl. x

  32. I hope the service for your precious Evelyn went perfectly even though it's completely unfair you even have to have a service for her. All your feelings are normal and justified and are exactly what I would have felt (did feel in similar situations) if I were in your shoes. Thinking of you and sending support. xx


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