Tuesday, May 8, 2012

2 Weeks

I don't even know how I feel right now. I am filled with so many emotions and thoughts of what could have been and what should have been. Filled with so much anger, sadness, disbelief that this is my life, and that this happened to my husband and I again.

I hate that I know how to grieve so well and what to expect for the days ahead. I have gone through this before. I feel so knowledgeable in this area and no one should be that knowledgeable.

Part of me is glad that I knew what I wanted for Evelynn when I knew she wasn't going to make it. I knew I wanted as many pictures as possible of her, including the NILMDTS ones. I knew how important it was cherish the moments of just cuddling her, kissing her, and telling her I loved her. I loved that I had the chance to give her her first and only bath and brush her beautiful head of hair. These memories I have will have forever and so happy that I have them. I didn't do any of this with Liam because I was so angry that he had died and it is something that I still regret.

Part of me hates myself for actually believing that things would work out this time. At the same time though, I loved that I got to that point that I honestly believed things were going to work out and that my baby would be born alive and healthy. Evelynn deserved a mom that was excited for her and was truly happy again. It had been so long that I had felt that way and I am glad that she was able to feel all of the love that I had for her.

Then there is the blame and guilt. I know its not helpful and I blamed myself for a long time after Liam died. I had defended the fetal surgery even though my baby died in it. I just kept telling myself that even though Liam didn't make it there are so many babies whose lives are better because of it. Now all I want to do is scream about how badly I hate that stupid surgery because it not only took Liam from me but now it took Evelynn. After all it was that stupid fetal surgery incision that ruptured that led to my babies brain damage and all too early demise. I know I can't sit and blame them forever but part of me wishes they would have told me to wait 2 years to get pregnant again, or even just one, but not 6 months like they had. I would've hated waiting so long but maybe my uterus would've been a lot stronger by then.

Part of me also wants to just blame myself because I feel that since I let myself get so happy and was believing that things were going to work out that I wasn't being as proactive as I once was. For a long time I was so paranoid about every little thing that I am afraid I missed something. Something that was telling me my daughter was in distress and needed my help but I just wrote it off as normal pregnancy aches and pain, after all I was 36 weeks pregnant, I am not supposed to be comfortable. I keep looking back at the days leading up to my uterus rupturing and her being born. I didn't feel good either day after my steroid shots but just assumed it was from the shots and not a huge deal. Although I remember telling Dereck I was scared to get the shots because last time I got them, not that they had anything to do with Liam's death, but just the fact that I got them and then 2 days later Liam died. Well what do ya know, 2 days after I got them my uterus ruptured. On Saturday my abdomen felt tight but just assumed it was pregnancy because my baby was supposed to be growing about a half a pound a week and is running out of room. I had even gone to a baby shower that afternoon and was majorly uncomfortable, but just kept saying it's because I am pregnant. Sunday afternoon my back and abdomen hurt again but I had also spent my morning cleaning and also had taken the dogs for a good walk. By that evening I was still really uncomfortable and decided maybe another walk and fresh air would help. A few hours after that while laying on the couch is when the stabbing pain started and led up to my rupture. I think about that so often and wonder if all of that was a sign that I needed to have gone in and get looked at sooner and then my daughter would be here with me today. My Ob Dr. keeps telling me to just remember that I am only human, that I am not a Dr, and that even Dr.'s don't know everything. She told to just remember that I loved my daughter and if I truly felt something was wrong I would've went in, but I just didn't know. I keep trying to tell myself that and repeat it over and over again, "I loved my daughter, I loved my daughter, I loved my daughter". I just want her here so badly.

Since coming home from the hospital all of the reminders of what should have been are there, again. I feel like they are just mocking me in a way. Laughing in my face. I even have caught myself laughing at the stupidity of it. Of course the mailbox is going to be full of things from Motherhood Maternity and Babies 'R' Us. Why wouldn't they be? I mean for second year in a row now I am supposed to have a baby. It's not like they were going to be gone like those places some how knew that my baby had died and immediately took me off of there mailing list. I am sure any day now the hospital bills are going to start rolling in again also, just like they did with Liam. I also just loved it when I was getting discharged from the hospital and the nurse gives me my discharge instructions. I read them over and sure enough on the last page under future appts it lists my scheduled c-section for April 28th. Shouldn't the nurses have saw that before handing it to me. It just pisses me off how they were right there, they knew I lost my baby, and yet they couldn't even see that on my paperwork and think that is something that should be removed. Like I said though, I more less saw that and laughed because that is just how it is, and it sucks, but did I really think things would be different this time.

I am barely sleeping it seems. Once I left the hospital after losing Liam all I wanted to do was sleep and that's all I want to do now, but for some reason I can't. I have this crazy energy but yet nothing I feel is worth using it up on. It has been a few days since I last had one, but for awhile there I would wake up in the middle of the night very panicky. I would be thinking about Evelynn and everything that has happened and every time I would close my eyes my body would just shake. I also hate taking any kind of meds if I don't have to, but I was relying on the Xanax that my Dr. gave me to calm down enough so that I could fall back asleep for at least another few hours. The Xanax seems to help. I just hate feeling this way and hate even more that I feel I have to take Xanax to take away the pain I feel. I have been through this before and I don't want to hurt and feel that pain either.

I am just so tired of being tired and sad. I was feeling like finally I could start being that better friend. I have such wonderful friends and they have been there for me so much this past year. Yet, I feel like I know nothing about them because for so long I have been wrapped up in my own world of sadness. I kept telling myself that once Evelynn was here I was going to be a better friend, I just needed to get through my pregnancy and have her home and life would be better. Here I am though, baby-less and sad once again. All of my wonderful friends are there for me again, and I am so grateful that I have them, by why did it have to be this way. Evelynn was supposed to be here. The same goes for a lot of family. I haven't seen some of them in so long or talked with any of them. I didn't want to send out Christmas cards, birthday cards, graduation cards, or even a friendly email just letting people know we are still here, I just didn't care. All of that stuff was happy stuff and I was not happy. This year was supposed to be different.

I know from reading other blogs, comments that have been left on my blog already, and through emails that others have gotten pregnant after having a uterine rupture and had good outcomes. Majority of my Dr.'s told me that they highly advise against me getting pregnant again, except my one Ob Dr. who said if I absolutely want to try again, even though she prefers I don't, I should wait at least 2 years. If I then get pregnant I will be put on hospital bed rest once the baby reaches viability and get monitored constantly, then when the baby reaches 34 weeks we would do a c-section then. It is an option, but I don't want to wait 2+ years to have a baby. I have wanted kids my whole life and have waited long enough. Also there is no guarantee that if I were to get pregnant again that it would work this time. I don't even think in 2 years my mental state could handle being pregnant again. It wasn't until I reached about 7 months in my pregnancy with Evelynn before I finally felt more relaxed and at ease with everything. I don't think that would happen at all with another pregnancy and then being in a hospital with even less options to keep myself distracted would be near impossible. Or what if I did get pregnant and my uterus ruptured again and my baby lived but had major impairments. I don't know if I could live with that knowing I did that to my baby because I didn't listen to the doctors. I just don't think it'll ever be an option.

There is always adoption. I am scared of that also though. What if the mom changes her mind and after a couple days of having a baby home with us she comes and takes him/her away. It would be like losing my babies all over again. I also feel like I would be super picky. I probably shouldn't be but I have always wanted my own kids that looked like me, even sometimes acted like me, and I would be able to see so much of myself and Dereck in them. It is an option but I really truly just want my own babies and after seeing just how beautiful they both are, how could I not?

Surrogacy seems like the best option as of now. It is a long, expensive process, but in the end the baby(s) would be completely genetically our own. I hate to talk about financial problems on here but I hate that it is so easy for some to have babies and it barely costs a thing. Liam's fetal surgery alone set us back, but we are doing okay, Evelynn's medical bills will soon be coming, and now trying to come up with the money for a surrogate just makes me want to cry. At the same time though it is the only thing right now that I have any hope in. We will make it work because we want our family and even though we might not be able to take vacations and buy our kids much, but they will be loved, and I think that is the only thing that truly matters. In the 2 weeks since Evelynn passed away we've learned so much about surrogacy. We have already met with a gestational carrier here in Alaska that is willing to do it for us and this Thursday we already are having a two hour phone consult with one of the best attorneys in the country for surrogacy. We have also been researching hospitals in both Minnesota and Washington comparing IVF success rates. I know this is also a scary road and even once we get started pregnancy is still 9 months of me waiting and hoping that everything will be fine. I am afraid I'll even drive the surrogate crazy because I will be so overly paranoid. I will talk in more detail on this later, especially once we learn more.

One thing that is keeping me going right now is that I have been pumping my breast milk and donating it to the NICU babies. I knew I wanted to do that as soon as I knew Evelynn wasn't going to make it. I wanted so badly to breastfeed her and know the importance of breastfeeding, so in her memory I wanted to do this for her. I signed up through the milk donation program that runs through the Mother's Milk Bank in Denver, CO and will be starting to donate my milk shortly. In the meantime I was also able to help a local who was in search of extra breast milk because she wasn't producing enough to feed her baby. So far it has gone really well and I really think I'll be able to stick with this for quite awhile. It feels good knowing I am helping other babies have a better start.

My sweet Evelynn,
How can it be that it has already been more than 2 weeks since you were born with today marking exactly 2 weeks since we had to pull you off of life support and you joined your brother in heaven. I hate this so much. This is not how it was supposed to be. I was so ready for you baby girl. I would've given you so much love and would've spoiled you rotten. You will always be my baby girl, I will always love you, and I am so grateful for the days that I got to spend with you. I just want more.
Hope you and Liam and are having lots of fun together.
Love you forever baby girl,
Love, Mom


  1. I'm going to email you, I really don't feel like this comment form is big enough to express everything I want to say.

  2. Becky, you have been on my mind every day. I'm am so, so sorry that you are going through this, again. It just isn't fair. I know how easy it is to blame ourself when our baby dies and almost impossible to see if from an outside, impartial perspective. I know that if I was you, I wouldn't have gone to the hospital until I had that sharp pain on Sunday night either.

    I'm so glad that you are pumping and donating your milk to other babies in need. One more legacy of Evelynn's. I am hoping and praying that everythign works out with the surrogate. You will get your take home baby one day, you will.

    Sending you lots of love.

  3. Becky...I have no words of wisdom, just love and support. Your words about adoption echo mine, although I've only lost once and am not done trying. I, too, want babies who look like me, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

    I hope your body is healing well so that your mind can have a tiny bit of ease...whatever will help.

    Big love to you and your darling husband...

  4. Becky, I still don't have words. Still in disbelief and full of sadness for y'all. I cannot imagine how tough this must be. Thinking of you always.

  5. Oh Becky. you are an amazing person. Which is all the more heartbreaking why this happened to you. But to think of others and to help others, by donating your milk - wow. Just incredible.

    Your family is constantly in my thoughts. It's not enough, not by a long shot. I just wish there was something I could do for you. Please know how much we are all thinking of your sweet babies and wishing so very badly that we could change things for you.

  6. Oh Becky...I hate so much that you're in that place again. Seriously, it's so majorly unfucking fair. Nobody should ever have to revisit those first awful weeks after a child dies. I'm so angry on your behalf. I hope you don't mind that I wrote a blog post about finding out about Evelynn. It affected me so much I just didn't know what else to do.

    Don't feel bad that you started to believe that Evelynn was going to come home. Why wouldn't you??! She was alive. She was perfect. You were doing great and delivery was only days away. You weren't being stupid or naive to think that this time things would be okay. You were being normal! (What a concept right?)

    Don't feel bad about needing Xanax to sleep. You're right that you unfortunately 'know the drill' and you know you won't feel this same way forever. If you need the meds right now, I don't think anyone should fault you for that.

    Becky, you and Dereck deserve to be happy. I have hope for you that one day you will make it back to that happy place again.

  7. You don't know me but I just want you to know that I am sending you prayers, good vibes and blessings.

  8. Dear Becky,
    You are amazing. I am so sorry (still, again, always) that sweet Evelynn died. Your little hopeful baby.

    When Eva was in ICU I pumped for her. When she died I wanted to donate her milk but then I just couldn't. Couldn't let go of that connection to her. Finally I did but it was hard.

    I am in admiration of you for donating Evelynn's milk. I wish so much Evelynn was drinking it.

    I am looking forward to following your journey to a living child in your home, however that happens, and my prayers will be going on ahead. Although I do have little faith in my prayers these days. Nonetheless I pray.

  9. I am so sorry. So very sorry. I can't imagine going through what you are right now. Your perspective on everything and your hope for a family are so inspiring.

    Praying for you.

  10. Words don't suffice to express how sorry I am; how much i've been thinking about you and your two gorgeous babes; how amazing you are. Sending you love and wishing you peace and light, mama. And please set up a donation site. You cannot imagine how many of us would happily contribute something to help see you home with a baby...

  11. What happened to you makes me angry at the universe for allowing this to happen again. I wish I had some kind of words to ease your pain, but we both know that no one does. So just know that I'm thinking of you.

  12. Becky-- there are so many things I want to say and I wish any of them could help but I know they are just words. I hate that the fetal surgery left you with that incision that ruptured. But just know that the fetal surgery was not a bad choice you made, it was just another reflection of the many, many ways you showed your love to your babies and how you would do anything for them.

    I know that our stories are SO different but I often struggled with feeling like I waited way too long to go to the ER when I had cervical pains with Liam and I felt that if I'd gone sooner that he'd be OK. I hated myself for trusting my body and trusting childbirth because it had let me down and it hurt so bad. Thinking/hoping/trusting that things are going to be OK is our instinct and doesn't mean that we didn't care. I know you love Evelynn so much and would have raced to the ER in 2 seconds if you thought anything was going to go wrong. Sometimes we just don't know. I'm so sorry.

    You are a wonderful mother and have been through way too much for one person to bear. I am thanking God that you found a gestational surrogate and obviously praying that your surrogacy journey ends in the best possible way. I also think its absolutely amazing that you're donating your milk. I have so much admiration for you because you're helping SO MANY babies with your gift.

    I always hated talking about financial stuff on my blog too but I know how miserable it is getting bills after already going through trauma. It almost feels like shouldn't we be billing them?

    My heart still aches for you Becky, everyday I think of you, Liam, and Evelynn.

  13. Oh and I forgot to add-- don't feel bad about needing the Xanax to sleep. I took Ativan and Ambien to sleep and stop all the panic and worry after I lost Liam and what you're going through is so much more intense.

    I was given Ativan and hated taking it but I hung onto it because it did help with my panic attacks. Sometimes this grief is too much and you need a short mental break. I hate the way that sounds but I remember those pills as being a 30 minute break from the pain and feeling like I could catch my breath and feel semi human again. No shame in that.

  14. Becky you are amazing. You are helping so many in your sweet Evelynn's name with your donations to the Milk Bank.

    I am continuing to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more....always remembering your sweet Liam and Evelynn ♥

  15. Becky, your story has rocked me to the core. One should never have to do this once, let alone twice. I am holding you and your family in my heart, all the way in South Africa. While it is no substitute, please know that your precious babies have touched many lives worldwide. And your continued determination and perseverance through this is simply inspiring.

  16. Becky, there's so much I want to say, nut I just can't find the words...I'm still in shock. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried and she's not even mine. Of course, my tears amount to nothing compared to yours I'm sure. You and Dereck certainly didn't deserve this and it definitely wasn't your fault. As you OB said, you couldn't have known...yes there were risks, but nothing is life is risk free.

    Good luck in your search for a surrogate. You may want to check out B.U.M.P.S., Inc. They issue grants for fertility related medical treatments. I just happened upon an article for them and don't know much about how it works. And I'm sure there are other companies out there like them.

    Please know that i continue to think of you often and hope you are doing as well as you can. If ever you need to vednt please feel free to email me, mickiec21@gmail.com.

    Lots of love to you momma.

  17. I can't stop thinking about you and your beautiful babies. Evelynn's story simply breaks my heart. She is amazingly beautiful.
    I'm so dreadfully sorry this has happened to you.

  18. I'm just so so sorry that this has happened to you yet again. I just want to scream at the unfairness of it. Lots of love to you today and always.


  19. I know these words mean nothing because I've heard them said to me and didn't believe them but It's Not Your Fault. You could not have known what the pains meant.

    I think surrogacy is a wonderful idea. If I was in your position I would be thinking the same things. I truly hope this will be an easy and painless process for you that brings your babies home to you.

  20. not a day (second) goes by when i don't think of you, Liam and Evelynn. i wish that i had words to take your pain away. i'm so so sorry that you have had to lose both of your beautiful children. it's so unfair. we love you, and your babies, and are here for you...

  21. You don't know me, but I just wanted to post a comment here. I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. I wish there were something I could say or do to take your pain away. I think it's absolutely incredible that you are continuing to pump and donate your milk. That is such a selfless thing to do. My thoughts are with you and your husband as you continue to grieve, and start the journey towards surrogacy. Many thoughts and hugs coming your way.

  22. I have been thinking of you non-stop. It absolutely makes no sense and I hate that you are having to go through this all again. It is wonderful that you are donating Evelynn's milk and helping other babies in need. It is amazing despite what you have been through you still have the ability to think of others. Thoughts and prayers your way constantly!!!

  23. I have so much to comment about-- first of all, you are an incredible mother and woman for donating your milk to another mom. That is a really precious gift and your sweet babies would be so proud.

    And about the adoption/surrogacy talk. While adoption is wonderful, the idea of having your own children to take home and raise after birthing two that could not come home with you is something you obviously desire. We'd all be lying (in the BLM world anyway) if we didn't secretly hope for the same in our own lives. So while adoption is noble, wonderful and an option, don't feel any guilt at the idea of wanting your own DNA. It's hard to literally stare your babies in the face and be told to adopt someone else's children when all you wanted in the first place was Liam and Evelynn.

    On the surrogacy front, I'm so proud of you guys for starting the search early. I would likely be the same and I understand your concern for getting pregnant again. While totally unfortunate, I wouldn't want to wait 2 years either and I surely would want to speed the process up to having children. Expensive for sure. Please consider a donation button as I'd love to contribute to a fund for your sweet children.

    We are here to support. I hope you keep writing, reflecting and updating on your journey. I feel so encouraged by you and how strong of a woman you are, friend.

    Thinking of your family everyday.

  24. You are a beautiful mother to your children Becky. And a beautiful person to donate Evelynn's milk to help other babies.

    I think of you every single day. I'm sending you so much love and strength.

    If you set up a fund, I will donate. I will also post your fund link on my blog.

    Remembering Evelynn and Liam always.

  25. Becky, I have been thinking about you often. It is two months since I took my son off life support, and your loss has touched me deeply. One of my biggest regrets is not donating my milk after Aidan died. The hospital offered me a tablet (I still have no idea what it was) to stop my milk coming in, and in wanting something, anything, to be fixable - I took it. I wish someone had asked me to donate, or I'd known someone who had done it. I didn't even know you could until it was too late. I am in absolute admiration of you for thinking of others at such a terrible time. You don't know me, but you and your beautiful babies are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

  26. She is so incredibly beautiful, just like her brother. I'm so, so sorry this happened. It's a million kinds of unfair. There's nothing people can really say to help, but know that even strangers are thinking of your sweet babies and whispering their names, helping you remember them.

  27. My rainbow baby, Cooper, is my pregnancy after rupture baby. Women do go on to have babies all the time after ruptures so there is hope. You're still so raw from Evelynn's passing but I belong to a rupture group which also has a pregnancy after rupture group, too, if you ever want to join...

    I think it's so wonderful and brave of you to be donating your breastmilk. My mind wasn't that rational after losing Lily but I wish it had been.

    You and your babies have been on my heart and mind since your heartbreaking announcement of Evelynn's passing. I think of you every day. Sending you my love and prayers ((hugs))

  28. I don't know you and I have not been through what you have, so I have no idea what you are dealing with, but I think you are an absolute star! You are being so positive and this can only bring you good things. I bet you are a better friend than you think - I don't think someone who is not a good friend would inspire such loyalty and kindness from others. And donating your milk in honour of Evelynn is a wonderful, kind act. I have not long found your blog but I look forward to hearing about your journey to surrogacy.

  29. This post and your words and thoughts break my heart. I just want to hug you, and I don't even know you, didn't even read your blog until I heard of Evelynn's passing. I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and somehow take the pain away. There is just nothing to say, no words that I can articulate. I'm constantly thinking of you and your family. (((hugs)))

  30. I have not stopped thinking about you and your family. I am just so, so very sorry. I think it is wonderful that you are donating your milk to babies who need it in honor of your sweet Evelynn. I look forward to hearing more about your journey to surrogacy but I just wish you didn't have to do it all.

  31. Praying for you and your husband. Praying for God to give you strength and peace and also praying that He opens doors for you so that you will have peace with the decisions that you have to make. My heart is so broken for you guys.

  32. I wish I had more than just these words to send. I'm so so sorry. Light and love to you.

  33. Becky, like the others, you and Liam and Evelynn are always on my mind. It is like a continuous loop in the back of my mind going over and over, even while I am doing other things or in the middle of a conversation, I will think of you all.

    There are many people on here commenting (and probably TONS more who don't leave comments) who are praying for you. I once read of a study on the effectiveness of prayer. I don't have all of the details, but basically the study chose two fertility clinics in India (the study was US based) and a prayer group prayed for the women in one of the fertility clinics, and the other was the "control group". None of the people in the US knew any of the women in India, and the women in India did not know about the study or about the prayers. That fertility clinic had a significant improvement in the fertility rates of the women there, while the control group experienced no change. This study showed the power of prayer!! Now, I am not a religious person, but I will be praying for Liam and Evelynn, and praying that everything goes well on your surrogacy journey. My hope is that because so many of us are praying for you (or sending good energy or positive vibes, or whatever), that it will help in some way.

    Your family will continue to be in my thoughts.


  34. Becky, you are such an amazing and strong woman. It's wonderful you are donating your breastmilk.

    It does suck to receive hospital bills after losses. It just doesn't seem fair :(

    I'm thinking about you and praying for you as you start exploring the surrogate option. I know this process has to be tough for you. I'm just praying for peace and strength for you.

  35. My heart breaks for you... and I've been thinking of you, Evelynn and Liam so often over the past 2 weeks. Be gentle on yourself... you were given advise about the surgery and wanted to give Liam the best possible chance you could... any parent would have done the same. All the symptoms you described are normal for late pregnancy... and you could never have known what was about to happen... please don't blame yourself. Lovely that you've started looking into surrogacy... you are an amazing mother and your love for your children will get you through. Love always xoxo

  36. Becky, as you know I am not one for articulating things very well but I wanted to let you know that your blog was one of the first I discovered when starting this journey that noone should have to walk. Your blog has always been a huge inspiration for me to keep going, I know that you are a better friend than you may feel right now to many people who are so thankful that you touched their lives. I know it's hard for us as Mothers not to blame oursleves as it is just a natural reaction but you did everything you could for your babies and your love for them is so pure and everlasting. As for the Xanax, I cant imagine with what you are going through that you could get through without something. I doused myself for a month and half after losing Jack with anxiety meds, I say whatever it takes at first.Dont worry about meds as their will be a point when your ready to be without them. I am still in complete shock over the loss of Evelynn, I just cant believe how unfair and tragic life can be to someone as good as you and your husband. You, your family Liam and Evelynn are always in my thoughts and I look forward to hearing about your journey into surrogacy.xoxoxo

  37. I am praying for you, mama, for peace and for sleep. You are in my heart. Be gentle to yourself.

  38. I am so sorry! I wish you luck and so much love as you navigate through your horrific losses while also thinking about having a sister or brother (at home!!) for your beautiful children in heaven.
    I went to Dr. Malo at the Center for Reproductive Medicine in Minnesota and they were highly recommended by my grief counselor and several coworkers.

  39. You and your husband and children have been on my mind constantly. I'll join the chorus of people saying be gentle on yourself. You have been dealt an unfair hand, but nothing about that is your fault. I'm so glad you have decided to donate milk - I did that after Elizabeth died, and it did feel good to help other babies.

    And it would be great if you decided to set up a way for others to contribute towards the costs of surrogacy. So many of us want to do whatever we can to help and show our solidarity with your family.

  40. I know how hard it is not to place blame, and especially not to blame yourself. I wonder all the time if I had only been more vigilant, paid closer attention, done more kick counts... But we do the best we can in the moment, and you're absolutely right that you loved Evelynn with everything you had to give, and that love is all she ever knew.

    I wish you the best of luck moving ahead with surrogacy. I think that's a wonderful option for you, and I'm thrilled to hear you're already looking into details.

    I also wanted to say that I understand and empathize with the financial hardships. It's such an unfair burden and I'm sorry that you have to stress over something that comes so easily toast people. You're right that all kids need is love, and I know you and Dereck have that in great abundance.

  41. I know how hard it is not to place blame, and especially not to blame yourself. I wonder all the time if I had only been more vigilant, paid closer attention, done more kick counts... But we do the best we can in the moment, and you're absolutely right that you loved Evelynn with everything you had to give, and that love is all she ever knew.

    I wish you the best of luck moving ahead with surrogacy. I think that's a wonderful option for you, and I'm thrilled to hear you're already looking into details.

    I also wanted to say that I understand and empathize with the financial hardships. It's such an unfair burden and I'm sorry that you have to stress over something that comes so easily toast people. You're right that all kids need is love, and I know you and Dereck have that in great abundance.

  42. thinking of you, wishing I could give you a hug in person. know you are on my mind and in my heart. remembering Liam and Evelynn always <3

  43. Oh Becky, sweet Mama. I've just found your blog and have read all of your story. About your most beautiful babies Liam and Evelynn. I am absolutely gutted for you and Dereck. It's unfathomable that this horrid lightening can strike twice.
    I resonate with all of your story here. Of wanting to be a better friend. Of Evelynn's birth story, life support, no brain activity, a ruptured uterus - all of it. And now surrogacy and the financial burden that that brings. To have the opportunity to have another, of our very own, regardless of how they come into the world.
    I'm just so so sorry Becky. I'm heartbroken for you.
    Go well on the journey ahead. I wish you peace and sleep. I wish I had something more profound to say, but nothing would ever suffice.
    Your Evelynn and Liam are forever etched into my heart. x

  44. I'm thinking of you and praying for you guys. I'm so very sorry that this has happened. I remember some of those feeling when I lost my girls. Both of my placentas detached at 21weeks2days causing both of my baby girls to suffocate as well and not even get a fighting chance. As you know, nothing I can say can help your pain but I want you to know that you're in our hearts and I cried with you while reading your story. Sometimes I think of babyloss moms on our journey together like the story of Ruth..after their devastation she says, "Where you go I'll go, your people will be my people, and your God my God." Ruth 1:16 I feel like we travel with each other through this journey of heartache and joy and just know that my heart is aching with you and for you..


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...