April 12th was Liam's original due date. This date was given to us long before we knew of Liam's Myelomeningocele and before we had fetal surgery to correct it. When my doctor told us the due date I immediately put the date into my iphone calender and also downloaded the Baby Bump app so I could keep track of the days and learn all of the exciting things going on with my growing baby. I loved this app. and read through the entire 40 weeks continuosly, I just couldn't go week to week.
This due date doesn't really have much meaning to me anymore, afterall once we found out he had spina bifida and had the fetal surgery he would never make it to that date and instead be taken by c-section no later then the dreaded 38 weeks that I experienced a few weeks ago. The few days surrounding the 38 week point was hell for me, lots of crying and sadness, but this date of April 12th was like most days I have now. I was in a good mood most of the day but then about an hour before I went to bed it hit me. I wasn't so much sad because I knew it was another milestone that came and soon passed but more so because I was distracted all day and finally relaxed enough for my mind to think about Liam, so nonetheless I cried myself to sleep.
I have continued to look at my baby app. every day since Liam died thinking this is where we are supposed to be in our pregnancy. The due date arrived and the app. no longer said 1 week, or 2 more days, but now said Delivery Date. I had to put Liam's picture in the photo spot and had to take a picture even though he never reached that point. I also had to take a picture of week 25 since that was the last week I had Liam with me. I am not sure what will happen to this app., will it eventually reach a point where it will end or just keep telling me day after day that I am over due? I am not sure what I will use for a future pregnancy, I love this app., but don't want to lose what I have in it about Liam; hence why I had to take pictures just in case.
The last picture from my app. is the kick counter. I am so grateful that I recorded his kicks at least the one day. I can't believe I didn't use it more but from the point he really started kicking was the same point I found out that Liam did indeed have Spina Bifida and the craziness began.
Becky, I am sorry you had to go through the 12th. Like you I think just letting myself think about it all can get me in a place of sadness. So many milestones, memories and not having our babies here with us. It is just not fair.ReplyDelete
I deleted all my apps right after we got home from the hospital and then I think my husband deleted everything on my calendar that had to do with Leia. I wish now I had them but I am not going there.
It's hard to get through days and think about what should've been or where you would've been at with your pregnancy. It doesn't seem fair. Thinking about you *hugs*ReplyDelete
Some days are really really hard. I fully imagine how you may have felt on 12th. I pray and wish you will celebrate such a date another time, with litte Liam's bro or sis. Lots of love to you and Liam.ReplyDelete
I started using this app too with Gabrielle... and have never had the heart to delete or look back at it. Sending you love on Liam's EDD and thinking of you always xoxoReplyDelete