Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter Liam

For anyone who has read my posts this week you would know that I have been overly emotional to the the point of not even being able to take a car ride and not start crying. Yesterday was no different. I decided that I needed to get a few Easter things for my house since I was having people over and had no decorations, Easter eggs, nothing. I also thought about getting Liam an Easter basket, after all, one day I'll have other little ones that will have baskets full of goodies, why shouldn't Liam have one either. Shopping didn't go to well, went to both Kohls and Target and by the time I left Target I could no longer hold my emotions back. Of course I cried my eyes out as soon as I hit the car and immediately headed over to a friends house because I just needed to be with someone. I even told her at the time I was starting to think maybe I shouldn't go to the comedy show that night or even have Easter because I wasn't really in the mood to want to be around people.
After leaving her place I still hadn't found anything for Easter decorations or for Liam so I went to Hallmark. I did not end up getting anything again for Liam or the house for Easter, but I was surprised to find the Willow Tree collection. I had seen a few other blm's post pictures and info about them and fell in love with them. I got 3 different pieces that spoke to me in regards to Liam. The first is called Home- Together, our family is home. The second is called Guardian- Love and protect thee, forever. The third is called Remember- I will always remember.... All 3 of these are now sitting along side Liam's pictures on the mantel.
you will always be a part of our family, you will always be my son, I will always love you, and I will always remember you.

Last night before leaving to go meet up with some friends before the Chelsea Handler show I went to read some of my fellow blm posts for the day and looked backed at my dog walking toward me. I love my Airedale, she is always happy and always wagging her tail, but this time her tail whacked my beautiful tomato plants stem and broke it in half.  I was so furious, I can't even explain how I felt, but of course I started balling, again. I know it is bad to say this but the first thing that came to my mind was "Why can't I keep anything alive?"
So as I was driving to go meet up with the girls to go to the show I was as usual, crying. I called a good friend on my drive over and told her I was almost ready to not go to the show because I was really upset. Why was I so upset, oh yeah my plant got destroyed and my feelings toward "not being able to keep anything alive" was still on my mind. I know I can't relate my dogs tail wrecking my plant to my son dying but that's exactly how I have been feeling. Maybe that's why I have been wanting to garden so much is because I just want to see growth and life right now.
Anyway, so I met up with everyone and mentioned that I was going to drive separate just in case. I didn't actually think I'd get to the point I needed to leave early, but with the week I have been having I felt anything was possible.
The comedian that came out before Chelsea was really good, but believe it or not her entire talk was about babies. Surprisingly I laughed the whole time and nothing she said upset me. Maybe it was because she talked about the show I didn't know I was pregnant and made fun of how stupid those girls are. I feel like those girls don't even deserve to have kids and to go 9 months and not realize it and the baby is perfect and healthy-bitches, that's exactly how I feel about that! She also talked about how she didn't want to ever have kids because she thought she'd be a horrible mom, etc, etc. I guess that didn't bother me either because really if you don't want to have kids, then don't, its better to have kids because you want them and love them. Anyway then Chelsea came out, and if you don't know who she is, well she is a very raunchy, likes to swear, make fun of everyone and everything, kind of comedian. She talked about a lot of different things, but again I got to hear about babies. Her mainly talking about how she doesn't want them either, but geez, what's with all the baby talk. The night actually went really well. There was no leaving early for me and I laughed a lot which is what I needed.

This morning I actually slept in for awhile and then got up and started cooking. I had about 10 people over. We ate a lot of good food and talked. A friend of mine came over with her baby. She had her baby about a month after Liam was born. I wasn't sure how I would handle it or not since I knew her baby and Liam should be only a few months a part in age. This was the first time I had seen here since her baby shower which was about a month and half before Liam died. Her little girl is beautiful and smiley, I even ended up holding her. I didn't cry but could definitely feel the sadness trying to creep up but was able to control it.
A friend of mine also asked me about me making Easter at my house an annual thing since I had Easter last year also. I would love to host Easter every year, but to be honest the only reason I had Easter at my house this year was because I didn't want to be alone. I know I say it a lot, but the plan was supposed to be that we were still in San Fran or Minnesota with our baby boy and hoping to fly home to Alaska at the end of this month, not 3 1/2 months ago. Easter was the holiday, the first big holiday, I was supposed to be celebrating it with my baby boy. I am glad I have such wonderful and that they came over and spent the holiday with me.

For the most part the day went well. The house is cleaned up and now relaxing before I head to the NICU tonight. I have cried a little tonight since people left, more so because I was talking on the phone about Liam's burial next month. I want to spend as much time with Dereck's family as possible when we are back, but I also want to spend as much time next to Liam's grave since I don't know when I'll get to see it next.

I did not do a happy list on Saturday either since my week such a mess, but I am praying for a better week ahead with a lot less crying.
Oh and thank you everyone who gave me the Stylish Blogger Award. I really appreciate it but I just haven't had time to write anything up in regards to it, but Thank you!


  1. Happy Easter to Liam. Wish he were there with you. His soul will always be there (This is what I tell myself these days). It's so sad. When everyone gets to hold their babies I get to talk about just his soul.
    Its good you spent the Easter with a little group. About the tomato plant, I too try to draw correlations between unconnected things that are happening to me these days. I know in my heart that its not true, but I cannot help that feeling sometimes.

  2. oh so glad you didnt spend easter alone.
    Im know what you mean about your plant.. after my son died friends brought me a plant to remember him...and i was like oh no... i cant keep it alive.. it nearly died and i was devo... but i did bring it back to life and it is very green now... You are doing so well even though at times it might not seem that way.. xx BIG hugs.

  3. Becky, I think you picked out some great angels. I admire you were able to have a friend over for Easter with her baby. I am not sure I could do that just yet. As for the tomato plant, don't feel too bad, we got many plants back in January and one is already gone. I really tried with it but it also came from 1-800 flowers, so I think the quality or maybe the way it was shipped didn't help. I hope your NICU visit went well. Hugs to you.

  4. Such beautiful angels to be next to Liam's picture... love to you both over Easter. Thinking of you always xoxo

  5. I certainly understand your great sadness and I'm so glad you didn't have to spend Easter alone. I love your Willow Tree Angels - a perfect Easter keepsake for your baby boy. xoxo


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