Wednesday, March 2, 2011

2 Months

Today just hasn't been to good for me. I have still been pondering the whole autopsy thing ever since the Perinatologist called. Still just don't know exactly how I feel about it and since I was at work I didn't have time to ask any questions or really talk about much else. So many questions I want to ask. He said he will call me back tomorrow and we can talk more on how I am doing. Wish I knew what time he was going to call, I am so anxious, I want to talk now. What if he calls while I am in my eye Dr. appt. tomorrow? Is it okay to just walk out of a Dr. appt., because I think I would do that, I need this call? I don't expect to hear anything different than what he told me earlier today or get any different answers to the questions that were asked when I was in the hospital there, or even different answers than what my Ob Dr. told me just the other week when I was in. In a strange way I just feel like I need to talk to him, maybe its because he was the one watching over mine and Liam's care when we were in surgery, or maybe its because its just a way for me to somehow still be connected to UCSF and to San Francisco.

I also found myself wondering aimlessly around the baby section of Burlington's Baby Depot tonight. I had went there because I had found out that they carry the nursery set that I had picked out for Liam's room and wanted to see if they had the few pieces I was missing for the set.  Why do I put myself through this, I don't know. They didn't have the missing pieces but of course I have to look at all the nursery collections, cribs, strollers, swings, etc. I also started looking at baby picture frames, such beautiful sayings on them all. So here I am staring at these frames and tearing up as a worker asks how I'm doing and if I need any help. I look up feeling kind of silly and all emotional and say I'm fine and just walk past her and out of the store. Why did I even go there, really, why? You'd think I like to torture myself with seeing tons of baby stuff and even babies. After I left there I decided it was about time I got my cousin at least a card congratulating her on her new baby girl. That was as bad as me looking at those baby frames at Burlington. Such sweet sayings on the cards, I even started reading the ones for boys. Geez, this is the second store in a row now that I have left teary eyed.

I have also been saying how work has been going fairly well. As long as I just do my job and stay away from any baby/kid related talks I do alright. I can even check out a blog at work in my spare time and manage not to get all emotional. Why is then that I can go a whole day at work and hold my tears and emotions back so well to everyone that I can appear like I am doing great. I am starting to see this trend that every time I leave work I just barely make it to my car and the tears just start coming. Its like my body just knows it needs to be strong and just make it through work, but the minute I leave its okay to let that built up sadness come pouring out.

Don't exactly know what my deal with today is. Maybe a combination of everything that went on or maybe its knowing that tomorrow marks exactly two months. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.


  1. I truly hope that getting some answers will help you feel better. And I can understand how you are feeling about work, although I'm a stay at home mom.. I keep my feelings inside all day long so that I don't traumatise my daughter any more than I already have! At night, I'm edgy and teary... it's just that we only have so much room inside us for acting normal, and as soon as we can let our guards down.. it all comes spilling out. Take all the time you need to cry, I know it seems like you're not moving forward.. but I'm sure it's what needs to happen..... eventually (fingers crossed) this is supposed to get a bit easier. I'll be thinking about you and Liam today.

  2. Thanks Sherri. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I already had a living child before this happened. Would it be easier on me knowing I have to be happy for him/her or harder because I would have to appear happy for him/her.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that your talk with the perinatologist brings some comfort. In regards to the strong emotions you're feeling, your loss is so fresh its completely understandable that you're feeling so emotional. Grief really does tend to hit you in waves and as you said when you're trying to be so strong eventually something has to give. Wishing you comfort and strength for the road ahead ((hugs))


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