Thursday, March 31, 2011

38 Weeks

Other then my post I just previously wrote I hadn't wrote anything for 3 days. Between work being really busy and then me being just a complete emotional wreck, I couldn't even bring myself to want to write anything till today. I have however been trying to keep up with everyone elses posts.

Maybe I was just hyping myself up way to much for the big 38 weeks and causing more stressed then was needed on myself, but the 38 week point of what would be my pregnancy came yesterday and it was horrible. The last two days really have sucked actually. The doctors would have never let Liam make it past 38 weeks because of the fetal surgery, which means that as of yesterday if Liam wouldn't have already DIED or been born prematurely, I would no longer be pregnant and should have a baby in arms right now. Of course that is not the case and my emotions are running wild. I can no longer say that I should be pregnant still because I now I would no longer be pregnant, now I am just someone whose baby has died and trying to somehow make sense of it all.

The last two days I felt like I was going absolutely crazy. I cried on and off the majority of both days and struggled to put on a happy face for patients at work.
A few of the crazy and random thoughts that have ran through my head are as follows:

-Why did I ever get that stupid surgery, it left me with no baby, a huge scar to remind me daily of my loss, and a fear of future pregnancies. It plain out ruined my life.
-I wish more than anything I could go back to that day and take Liam's place, he should be here, not me, the risks were supposed to be all on me.
-I should still be in San Fran right now, or with family in Minnesota, this is BS, I don't want to be here right now, I'm not supposed to be here right now.
-I am so mad at my husband right now, he acts like I just need to move on, that it has been 3 months and that there is nothing we can do and just look forward to when we can try getting pregnant again. I am sick of him making me feel like I just need to get put on depression pills to just hide my pain-he acts like I'm making too big of a deal out of this. Stop rolling your eyes at me and letting out big sighs like I'm annoying you!
-I am tired of feeling alone, I feel like there are very few people who care how I feel, sometimes I think all of you blm's really are the only ones who understand or care, and wish even family could act even a little bit like they care that my son died. Even just ask how I am doing and listen, even if you just don't really care, it would mean a lot to me!
-I wish the burial could've just happened right after the funeral, I am happy to see my baby again-even if its really just a vault but its physically as close as I can be to him again, but having to plan for it sucks- what day? well decided on Monday, May 16th, but now to figure out the rest of the details.

Many of the crazy thoughts have at least passed and just have to deal with the rest I guess.


  1. I'm so sorry, and I understand COMPLETELY! Especially the husband part... I don't write anything about it on my blog, because he does read it every now and then (and thinks I'm wasting my time on the computer) And it would cause more trouble than not. So ya, he doesn't get it either, which is sooo frustrating!
    Go easy on yourself.. which is something I heard a lot of last week and is truly the best advice I got.. you may have even told me that as well, but I haven't gone to check :) The due date and no longer pregnant thing is HELL... just about as bad as losing them all over again, because truly we're stepping so far away from that part of our lives. I HATE thinking that she should be here now, and I think it all the time.
    But it does get easier again.. I promise. Today was a better day for me.. and I'm praying that you'll get there soon too.
    I'm thinking of you and Liam, and sending all sorts of hugs your way!

  2. thanks Sherri, my husband will probably read this also and be really mad, but right now I don't care, maybe it'll finally get through to him that I am still sad and its not as easy for me to just move on.

  3. Go easy on yourself AND your husband. He really doesn't understand. Matt has admitted to me that he didn't really feel any connection with our boys until AFTER they were born. It's so different for men. They don't have that bond because they don't go through the physical changes. I'm glad that you got your burial date set and I think that it's for the best that it is not on Mother's Day. It's not right for you to punish yourself that way. I think you should, instead, remember the better days of your pregnancy and hold fast to the bond that you and your son held on that day. Big hugs from MN!!


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