Monday, March 14, 2011

Still don't Understand

Oh my sweet little Liam,

I was so tired earlier today, but now I can not sleep, am crying and just plain out mad. I just can't accept this Liam, I need to know WHY! Why did this happen to me, to you? What did I do wrong? I was going to be a good mom to you, I know I can sometimes have very little patience, but I was ready for your arrival. Spina Bifida or not, you are my baby and I love you, and I miss you oh so much. This just isn't fair. We should be at 36 weeks right now, so close to 38 weeks, to your arrival. I don't even know what to do with myself these days. I feel like I just need a major life change right now, not that losing you wasn't change enough, but just a change. I know your never coming back and know my life will never be the same, but I hate the way my life is right now. I am so confused, lost, angry, mad, depressed, and the list goes on. I am trying so hard to do what I can to remember and honor you, but its not enough, I want and I need more. I am still working on my team for the March for Babies Walk in remembrance for you. I have been a little poky with writing my fundraising letter to get sent out to people and finding other good ways to raise money to help other babies. Raised a good chunk already though, but hoping to raise more once I get my lazy butt in gear. Still planning on doing the Kuddle Korps volunteer program in the NICU, still scared and nervous, but know those babies need to be held and loved. I just wish it was you that I could be holding and loving. I've also been exploring schooling options, don't really have the time or money for it but I would love to be a nurse in Labor & Delivery since we had so many great nurses at UCSF, they inspired me. I am already in the medical field taking x-rays, maybe I should do ultrasound, at least then I could do ob/gyn ultrasound scans and still be in the imaging field? Or maybe I am just trying to hard to find something that can maybe fill this emptiness in my life, and my heart right now. I know none of these things will bring you back, no matter how much I do. To tell you the truth baby, I don't even think I am mentally capable of doing any of these things right now. I know I need to do something and the box of cookies I just inhaled, well I'm already regretting that one.

I love you and miss you so much my little Liam monster


  1. Wishing we didn't have to go through this, and wishing that somehow it gets easier! Sorry last night was rough.....

  2. I can so relate to all your emotions. Those early days and months are just so hard. Even though it doesn't feel like it now, that sharp pain you are feeling will subside with time as you always remember and honor your babe. They will always hold a special place in our hearts and it simply is unfair that they are not here in our arms. I wish I had the answers. Thinking of you! xo

  3. One thing you MUST did NOTHING wrong! (((hugs)))

  4. You're an amazing person to think so much about how to help others when you're feeling so down... testament to how strong a person you are and how great a mother you are to Liam. You did nothing wrong and I can feel in your words how much you love him xoxo


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