Friday, March 11, 2011

Feel Free to be Yourself

I have been trying real hard to want to at least find something to want to be happy or positive about these past few days. Yesterday I got a phone call from the Fetal Treatment Center and I talked about all of our medical bills and was informed to not pay any of them right now because they are going to try and fight our appeal again by doing and external review. I know this still doesn't mean we are going to win the appeal but that we at least have another chance at it and so happy they are helping us through this process. Not to mention not having to pay on our bills for awhile is the best news I've heard all week, made my day.

Yesterday I also met with a lady from Providence Hospital to discuss becoming a volunteer. I might be overwhelming myself with all the things I want to do right now but really want to do what I can to help other families and there babies. This interview was for a group called Kuddle Korps in which they need people to come in and hold babies in the NICU. I know people have other obligations like work, other kids, etc, but I don't think I could ever leave my babies side if he was in the NICU. Not sure how this will go for me when half the time I see a baby I start crying or if I see a pregnant person I fill with anger, but hope I can hold it together. I also might help out doing art and crafts with the cancer patients at the Childrens Hospital. I have a few weeks till I start and have to do orientation at the end of the month, so I guess I have time to decide if I think I can or can not handle this.

I also have been debating all week about wanting to post a comment I got at work the other day but wasn't sure I should post it or not, but its Friday and really want to get this off my chest before my weekend starts.  I get pretty annoyed by people that complain about work online, especially Facebook-hello, lots of people can read those comments, but this I decided is different. I am not complaining about work as much as I am about the comment that was made to me. This person, who I might add has 5 healthy kids and never had one miscarriage, stillbirth, nothing, asks me what the chances are that this could happen to me again. I was confused at first by what was meant by that, my baby having spina bifida or the fact that his heart just randomly stopped and couldn't be revived. Just as I was going to respond that I am not sure what the chances are, he added that if him and wife wanted to try again he's pretty sure she could pop another one out no problem. Really, did he just say that to me, to the person who just 2 months ago lost her baby. So here I am Friday still pissed about that comment, it makes me just want to quit my job and find another one where no knows that I was ever pregnant or that my baby died. I love my Liam and am so grateful for the time I had with him, but don't need to hear comments like that. GRRR! I wish I could just get that comment out of my head so I can go into my weekend not stressing about that.

Oh look, I just opened a Dove chocolate and the message inside reads, "Feel free to be Yourself". If only it were that simple. The real problem is I'm not sure who I am these days. Hopefully the fresh air and sunshine from skiing and skating this weekend will make me feel somewhat like my old self, it usually does for a short time at least.


  1. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my blog... means so much to me. Volunteering sounds like a lovely idea... will probably be different holding a baby as a volunteer knowing how much it helps them and how important your job as a volunteer can be... I agree - if I had a child in NICU, I would camp there and never leave my baby's bedside. Your work colleague sounds particularly insensitive - some people just don't think before they open their mouth. Love the comment in your chocolate but also feel like you that I don't know who I am anymore. Love to you and Liam xoxo

  2. I think its wonderful that you want to volunteer for that, but I have a feeling its going to be hard. However, if you can look at the fact that you would be doing so much for those babies, that just might help you through it. As for the coworker, hmmmm. Could he possibly be saying that they would be willing to allow you to adopt that child? I know it's kind of a backwards way to offer it, but maybe he was trying to be nice. I don't know. But very strange either way...Lots of love to you!

  3. sadly Mary it happens quite often, just speaks without really thinking it through first


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